All through the night...

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I posted! So sorry, friends! I honestly have no real reason for not posting for the last two months... although, from mid-November to late December, I was going through what one of my professors likes to call a "Dark Night of the Soul". I'm gonna explain what that means in just a minute - it's not pretty, and it's not something I'm proud of, but I hope you find it useful. Also, coming through it (and being such a nerd) led me to realize some pretty cool stuff that I'm gonna share in a later post. :) First though, I'd like to thank those of you who have stuck with me even through my long absence and are continuing to read my nonsense! Hopefully in the next few months I'll be able to post more frequently. As always, to God be the glory for whatever comes out of me that reaches out to any of you.

So, the Dark Night of the Soul (DNotS) is something that many Christians will go through at some point in their lives, possibly even multiple times. It's a place of apathy, despair, anger, or (insert overwhelming negative emotion here) that keeps a person from sensing God's presence, and may even cause them to question or turn from their faith. For me, a combination of stress from school and work, a strained relationship with one of my dearest friends, and an apprehension of the life-sucking doldrums that most people call "winter break" drove me to a place where I was constantly doing instead of being (despite my previous post), constantly exhausted, and constantly trying to rely on my own strength for everything. And the stupid thing is, the more I realized that I couldn't do it myself, the more I pushed God away to try to prove that I could. And thus began my DNotS. I ended up becoming a recluse as finals approached, both because I had so much to finish and because I knew I was way past my emotional limits and would end up spewing my issues onto my friends if I let them near me. Thanks to a few of my very dearest friends and a couple of late-night interventions, I was not allowed to become an absolute hermit. However, I was in a place of spiritual hermitage... and I'm not talking about the Delectable Mountains here (that's a Pilgrim's Progress reference, for those who don't know). It even got to a point in which I wanted to turn to God, but felt too far away to even consider calling out to Him. There was a period when I even questioned why I was a Christian to begin with. Thankfully, the story doesn't end there! God, who is always faithful, brought me out of the DNotS and allowed me to see that He is never far away, that He will always take us back, and that no doubt or repulsion from us can keep Him away when we need Him. It wasn't an easy journey, and although He lifted me up out of the pit of darkness, it wasn't an instant flip back into the light. It has been a long, slow process in which God constantly and quietly reminds me of His presence and His love while I strive to follow Him and remind myself that He is worth following - worth everything, in fact. So if you're in the middle of your own DNotS, press into God, and even though you may not sense Him or hear Him at first, know that He has not forgotten or abandoned you. And He will save you, if you continue to pursue Him through this time.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8, ESV)"

When I was in the midst of my DNotS, it felt like I was all alone. Looking back though, I can see that He was with me through every moment, just waiting for me to turn to Him, softly calling out my name. When I first returned, I was uneasy. My heart wondered (despite everything my mind knows to be true) if His love for me had lessened because I "failed" Him... "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8, ESV)" If He loved us before we chose Him in the first place, why would He love us any less when we come to a place where we have to make a conscious choice to choose Him again? (Note: I'm talking about choosing a godly lifestyle here, not salvation. That I believe only needs to be chosen once.) Plus, think about this - He is omniscient. He already knew what you were going to do before you did it. If He already knew you were going to fail Him, but loved you like crazy in the past, why should that change at all after the actual failing part happens? (Psst... the answer is, it doesn't.) In addition, some wise speaker I once heard (or read) said, to paraphrase, "How can you let down someone you weren't holding up to begin with?" God is completely self-sufficient. His success, happiness, etc. is not dependent on or influenced by our triumphs or shortcomings. Although He hurts for us when we are hurting and desires strongly to draw us back into His arms, our failure is not debilitating or angering to Him.

In conclusion, keep on keeping on. "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. (James 4:8a, ESV)" And if you are in the middle of a DNotS, take heart. This too shall pass. God's love shall not.