To be, or...? A meandering ramble on perfectionism and things we do do (a.k.a. doodoo)

A common phrase among my generation when we're feeling pressured to complete a project, or we recognize a lack of motivation or efficiency within ourselves, or even if we're just talking about failing at life in general, is (for those of us who are relatively tame-tongued) "I gotta get my crap together". As with most of the phrases that my peers use, I simply accepted it as part of the lingo of my world and didn't think twice about the implications. Tonight though, that phrase struck me... what is my crap, and why am I trying to gather it? Why is this phrase meant as a metaphor for improving my life? Is collecting poo really that beneficial? (Yeah, I know - my brain is weird. Blame my dad.) Anyway, that reminded me of something I learned about a particular passage of scripture a while back... read the verses below.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—" (Philippians 3:8-9, ESV)

In verse 8, Paul states "and count them as rubbish" in the ESV translation. However, unbeknownst to most readers, as far as "rubbish" (or "garbage" depending on translation) goes... well, in the words of Inigo Montoya, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Rather, the literal translation of the original word used there (skubula) is... sh**. Yes, Paul used the "s word". This is the only place in all of scripture where that word is used. The KJV gets pretty close when it translates the word as "dung". If you think about it though, in modern day language, Paul could probably be paraphrased in this verse as saying, "I let go of all my crap to get a grip on Jesus". So, if the way to get closer to God is to let go of all our crap, why are we trying so hard to get our crap together? This concept has been brought before me almost constantly these past few weeks. In my World Religions class a couple of weeks ago, my amazing philosophy professor taught on the principles of Taoism and how it teaches that we should be less concerned about "doing" in our lives and more concerned about "being"; that doing only causes strife and exhaustion, whereas being can bring fulfillment and true inner peace. In chapel last week, our speaker reminded us of the Sabbath principle and the way that God set up a "six days on, one day off" principle in order to give us the necessary rest we need. He actually brought up needing to just "be" with God as a means of both resting and bonding, rather than getting so caught up in the "doing" that can just as easily drive us away from God as draw us near.

As a closet perfectionist and a huge people-pleaser, I find myself constantly pushed to "do". Whether it be to please other people or to reach my own (often lofty) goals, or even to fulfill necessary responsibilities, I am in a constant state of doing - often to the point where I forget what it feels like to just BE. Not to have my worth measured by how much or how well I can accomplish, not to check off every single thing on my list before bedtime, just to rest in the presence of God and relinquish all of the other stuff. But what I have been learning more and more these days - through class, chapel, interventions done on me by my best friends, an awesome book called "Pleasers", etc. - is that this concept of resting and being absolutely cannot be ignored, or else you end up burning out and spewing all of your frustrations, disappointments, et. all on the people around you. Our chapel speaker challenged us to reinstate the Sabbath concept - to take one day out of our week to just NOT work. To rest in the presence of God, to seek Him, to enjoy the life and the people that He has given you, to be refreshed and strengthened by Him. I'm taking the challenge - Friday is the one day of the week I don't have work (meaning actual scheduled hours at one of my jobs), so that is officially my new Sabbath. I would like to invite you to try it with me. See how taking a day off to just BE will affect your life the other six days. It might surprise you. :)

One more note on doing... another passage that came to mind when I was writing this post was Isaiah 64:6a.

"All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags..." (NIV)

Another disgusting fun fact I bet you didn't know about the original language... "filthy rags" actually refers to menstrual cloths. Yup, totally nasty. I'm a girl, and I still gagged a little when I discovered that. Ew. Whenever I hear this passage in its translated (and much tamed) English version though, I am always reminded of an object lesson that was taught to me when I was probably about nine or ten. I was in AWANA at the time, and one of our leaders (an awesome guy named Dennis) was teaching on this verse, so he decided to bring in some filthy rags of his own to get the point across. He took some old t-shirts, did who knows what to them (probably wiped grease on them or something) to make them look dirty, then he wrapped fish in them and let them sit that way for who knows how long. That stench was FOUL, let me tell you. Even after twelve plus years, I distinctly remember having my nose buried in my t-shirt for the entire lesson, and being shocked that our righteous acts smelled so stinkin'... well, STINKING! So bear in mind, especially my fellow people-pleasing perfectionists, even our active righteous doing is pretty much worthless without God.

Moral of the story - rest in God. Stop doing so much, start being. And finally... well, just read the following verses (don't worry, no gross hidden references in these).

Exodus 20:8-10 -
“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates…”

Hebrews 4:9-11 -
"There remains therefore a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His. Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest, lest anyone fall through following the same example of disobedience."

Psalms 37:7a -
"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him..."

Psalm 23:1a -
"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures..."

Matthew 11:28-30 -
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."

Psalm 46:10a -

"Be still and know that I am God." 

You know God loves you when...

First of all, let me just say that I'm sorry I haven't written in so long! It's been a CRAZY busy semester, I've been super overworked and stressed, and I might not be entirely sane by Christmas break... but I have a little snippet of joy to share with you! Secondly, be warned, it's really irrelevant to your life unless you are a fan of Firefly or just really like to hear stories about ways that God blesses me *cough cough Dad*. But for those few people, and for posterity, here's my story for the night! Enjoy! :D

Tonight, several of my friends from school (and a friend visiting from New Mexico) and I went "Trick-or-Canning" (collecting canned goods for Feed America from pre-approved houses), and afterward we stopped by Chipotle to get some delicious noms! This year I dressed up as Kaylee Frye, a character from an obscure (but AMAZING) television show called Firefly. The only people at school who recognized my costume were other extreme nerds, but the majority of the populace had no idea who I was; so, although I was stoked to be dressed as my favorite character, it was a little bit sad that almost nobody understood me. Flash forward to this evening. My friends and I walk into Chipotle and get in line. I'm perusing the menu board and not really paying attention to the people around me, when suddenly some guy several places ahead of me in line jumps out of the line and runs toward me with his hand held up for a high five and a giant grin on his face. Like, RUNS. Needless to say, I was a little startled at first! I definitely thought he was going for someone behind me that he recognized or something, until I realized that he was making deliberate eye contact with ME, so I awkwardly high-fived him back. Then I glanced down at his costume. He was wearing a perfect replica outfit of Kaylee's buddy Wash!!! My face lit up and I broke into a huge grin, there was mutual excited freaking out between us, and we had an epic Wash/Kaylee bear hug. (Btw, I always pictured Wash as a great hugger - I'm happy to say I was right.) I asked him for a picture, so we posed together (he even let me hold one of his plastic dinosaurs!), my friend took the shot, and then he went back to stand with his friends further up in the line. As soon as they got their food, they all left together, and the moment was over. But it was a truly shiny moment indeed. :)

Now, you're probably thinking, "All right, cool! You met another Firefly fan! Awesome, but not that big of a deal - right?" Wrong. Think about it... not only is there a tragic lack of Firefly fans in the 'verse, but how many people who are fans of Firefly actually choose to dress as one of the characters for Halloween? Particularly this Halloween, since the show only ran for one season and has been off the air for over ten years? Now think, how many people did so in Santee alone? More importantly, how many of those people in Santee decided to go to that Chipotle tonight? Craziest of all, there was probably only a ten or fifteen minute window in which that group of people was there, from the time they walked in the door to the time they walked out with their food. And my group of friends happened to arrive exactly in that window. Wow. You know God loves you when He arranges the most perfect and unlikely meeting in a highly improbable window of time, just because He knows it will make your night (/week/month/LIFE). :)

This little event of happiness reminds me of Luke 12:32 - "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Okay, so it might not have been a kingdom, but that moment meant the world to me (yes, I am an absolute geek). And God knew it. And He made that happen.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights."
~James 1:17

God is awesome. And He truly does love us. And He loves to bless us. Even in the little, nerdy, stupid things. :) Praise God that He is who He is!!!

A Pile of Stones

Today marks the official end of summer vacation, and the beginning of my senior year of college. The last first day of school. This summer has been absolutely chock full of life lessons, and it's going to be strange transitioning into learning from a textbook again. I am crossing over from one stage of life into another. When the Israelites crossed over the Jordan river, Joshua commanded twelve men to each take a stone from the river bed...
      And those twelve stones, which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua set up at Gilgal. And he said to the people of Israel, “When your children ask their fathers in times to come, ‘What do these stones mean?’ then you shall let your children know, ‘Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground.’ For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever.” ~ Joshua 4:20-24

In a similar way, I want to take a few moments to highlight some of the many amazing things that God has done for me over this amazing summer. 

- I had the opportunity to grow closer to a dear friend of mine, to the point where she has become one of the three people in my life who know me best, and I have in turn become one of her best friends. This makes for an amazing support system, which I am sure we will both have cause to rely on as the school year progresses.

- Through the friend above, I met another wonderful girl who has quickly become dear to me as we share a lot of the same struggles in life and are able to encourage one another in fighting them.

- The two girls above and I have become "Accountabilibuddies" and begun a Bible study through the book of Romans together, allowing all of us to grow spiritually and help each other figure out more about God. 

- Over the course of a couple of crazy all-nighters, conversations with those two and my "big brother" completely reworked my view of myself and my relationship with others (including God).

- A really fantastic, godly guy whom I've been friends with for three years has taken a romantic interest in me. At my request, we are currently pursuing a deeper friendship with one another rather than advancing our relationship at this point in time; however, we are both open to a more official relationship in the future if God continues to lead us in the direction he has these past few months. 

- I volunteered with the Jr. High group run by the church that my college shares a campus with. I intended to help out only for the summer, but God is calling me to continue during the school year. This means that I will become the co-leader of a small group: helping with or leading games, lessons, discussions, etc. and connecting with the kids in my group on Wednesday nights, at events, and occasionally throughout the week. All of those things require the development of skills which will be extremely useful in the pursuit of the calling God has placed upon my life for after college.

- I joined a church college group which meets on Sunday nights, so now I am getting more of the Word, more fellowship, more support, etc.

- I got to teach the college group pastor's wife how to crochet, which is something I want to be able to do with kids in the future; doing it with an adult first made for excellent teaching practice. 

- Due to changes in the college housing arrangement, I will not have a roommate this semester, but I am still living in a double room. This provides an excellent ministry base for me; I can now host our AccountaBible Studies, let commuter friends crash occasionally, possibly hold events here for my small group girls, etc. with plenty of space and no roommate to clear it with first. 

- My "big brother" got engaged!!! Okay, so that's not really a change that happened in MY life exactly... but I'm still so blessed that God provided my best and closest friend with such an incredible life companion. :)

Praise God for all that He has done and is continuing to do in my life! What kind of things has He done in your life over the summer? Consider making a list of your own; your personal "pile of stones", if you will. You may or may not have posterity to share the grace of God with (I sure don't, haha), but you can use your experiences to encourage other believers or to simply remind yourself in later years or whenever times get hard about His incredible provision. To God be the glory, great things He has done!

"For we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

~ Romans 8:28

Dandelions and Walmart Bags

For those of you who don't know me in real life, crochet is a huge part of my existence. It started out as a hobby two years ago and has since become sort of a small business. My greatest customer base comes from friends at school, so I wasn't too surprised when a friend of mine came up and asked me to crochet an unusual gift for his fiance a few months ago. Apparently they have some sort of inside joke about a bearded pirate teddy bear, so that's what he asked me to create. Interesting! Anyhow, I did so, and waived his offer of pay in order to make this their wedding gift. I had already been invited to attend the wedding, so I planned to take the bear with me and just get it to him that way. Unfortunately, it was not until the morning of the wedding that I remembered a crucial element of gift giving... wrapping paper. Oops. I live in a dorm and have no car, so naturally since I forgot to wrap the gift until the morning of, I had no way of acquiring gift wrap before the wedding. I hastily (and guiltily) wrapped the bear in the only covering I could find - Walmart bags. Classy. Needless to say, I was ashamed of my unsightly gift, regardless of my pride in its contents. I was relieved when the multitude of gifts already on the table when we arrived at the reception hall allowed for it to be buried in pretty packages and hidden from view. At the end of the reception, the groom came up to me and furtively asked which gift the bear was in. I hesitantly described the packaging amid apology for its appearance, and though he did give me sort of an odd look, he laughed it off and headed toward the gift table with enthusiasm. With the help of some staff and groomsmen, he pulled aside beautiful boxes and tasteful gift bags and dug through the pile to reach an ugly grey plastic-wrapped lump. As they left the reception hall, my unsightly gift was tucked under his arm and he was grinning with the anticipation of presenting this special gift to his new wife. Even though mine was undoubtedly the most ugly present on that table, he sought it out specifically and chose it from among all the others to take with them when they left the wedding. Despite its shabby appearance, mine was given the honor of being the first gift opened by the new bride and groom. 

Sometimes I feel as though my gifts to God are like that. I look at all of the beautiful, useful, important talents that my friends and those I admire present to Him, and am awed by their beauty and purpose. My own shabby talents I would rather hide under a pile and forget. I think to myself, "Wow! Her gift of discernment is so amazing! It's great how she uses that to show people where God is already leading them! Oh, what an awesome talent he has! It's great that he can correct people in love with such accuracy and help them get back on God's path! But as for me... the gift of exhortation... what's that supposed to do? I cheer up people who are already awesome. What good is that?" For the longest time, I thought my gift was useless. Pointless. Unsightly. While others rejoiced in their spiritual gifts of discernment or teaching or evangelizing, I wandered around encouraging people quietly, assuming that it had no real bearing on their spiritual life and wishing I had a better gift to offer up. A couple of weeks ago though, a friend I had lived and worked with at camp last summer came to visit me, and we ended up hanging out with one of my best friends here. When my guest asked for funny stories about me, my dear friend thought about it for a while then replied that she couldn't really think of any. The only stories she could think of that involved me were ones in which I had influenced her life by uplifting her in a time when she really needed it. This absolutely floored me... the gift which I thought was nice, but kind of pointless had actually impacted the life of someone I love to the point that those times were the first ones she thought of when asked for stories of me. What an honor! I am constantly amazed by the way that God takes the things we would rather hide and brings them into the light and shines His glory upon them. 

A song that another dear friend introduced me to recently explains the same concept a little differently. A boy picks some beautiful yellow flowers to give to his mother, and she joyously receives them and sets them in a place of honor, when in reality the "flowers" he was so thrilled to offer her were dandelion weeds. In the same way, God takes our loving efforts to please Him, as ragged and unsightly as they may be, and makes them into something beautiful and honored. The chorus exclaims,

"Lord, search my heart

Create in me something clean!

Dandelions -

You see flowers in these weeds."

May we offer up our gifts and talents to God with enthusiasm. Let us not hold back or be ashamed because we compared ourselves to others, but rather may we be be secure in His joy at our efforts and do our best for Him.

Dandelions by Five Iron Frenzy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLwvtEUiQXw

The Scary Vacuum

If you read my last post, you know that I work with small children on a fairly regular basis, and you got to learn all about Jack and his love for puzzles. (By the way, as of yesterday morning, he has officially grasped the concept of the edge piece and can almost flawlessly identify which pieces do or do not have flat sides! Way to go Jack!) Today I'm going to highlight another one of our children... funny how the kids tend to teach me more than I teach them. :)

On Wednesday mornings our group contains a little girl named Olivia. She's probably about two years old - completely independent as far as walking, eating, etc., but still trying to get a grasp on the whole talking thing. She is a little chatterbox, but most of her conversations to us are a bit like "Anum furglum plluh ball anformen pu felum yay!!!" She has only mastered a few actual English words (as opposed to baby gibberish), but one of the words which she is VERY clear about is "scary". I discovered this a couple of weeks ago, when I was cleaning up graham cracker crumbs with the ever-intimidating... dun dun dun... VACUUM. And I'm not talking about the kind you plug into the wall that makes crazy "vroom" sounds and lights up and could potentially eat a small child. I'm talking about this bad boy right here:

This has no electric capacity whatsoever. It is operated completely on push power, and at the most, it makes a light scraping or rumbling sound as its brushes roll over the carpet. Not particularly terrifying in my estimation... but to Olivia, this may quite possibly be the world's scariest object. The moment we take this monster out of the closet, Olivia screams and runs up to the closest teacher, babbling a mile a minute in gibberish with the word SCARY stuck in there every few seconds in all caps. She won't stop freaking out until one of us picks her up, but the instant she is in someone's arms she goes dead quiet and is completely chill, though she still keeps a wary eye on the vacuum. It's the strangest thing; pull the vacuum out when she's on the ground by herself, and she immediately runs as far away as possible and panics until she considers herself to be at a safe distance. Once she's being held though, we can walk right up to the vacuum with her in our arms, and she doesn't even flinch. This really surprised me the first time I tried it; I figured that the closer I got to the vacuum with her in my arms, the tighter she would grip and the more she would freak out. I was amazed to find that she was just as comfortable next to the vacuum as she was across the room from it, as long I kept holding her. Try to set her down before the vacuum goes away though, and she latches on with a death grip and frantically babbles about the "scary".

The one thing I keep thinking about this experience is, this is how we should be with God. Whenever I am freaked out about something (and usually, the things I freak out about end up being about as insignificant as a "scary" push vacuum in the long run), there will come a moment when I run to God, and I will feel safe in His arms. When the scary situation approaches again or draws closer though, I instantly freak out again, forgetting that God is holding me through it. I want to reach that place where, like Olivia, I can relax no matter how close I am to my fears, knowing that God is holding me the entire time. It reminds me of a few lines of an old song...

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit; oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

What peace we often forfeit... what needless pain we bear... simply because we refuse to trust that everything is under the control of the almighty, all knowing, all loving God. All because we do not run to Him, or stay in His arms, when frightening situations approach. In Isaiah 41:10, God exhorts us:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

We should never have to fear, because we are being upheld, helped, and strengthened by the God of the universe. How often and how quickly we forget this truth! Speaking from personal experience though, I know that sometimes the reason that I don't run to God in scary situations is because I've strayed, or backslid, or just been distant from Him in the recent past. It's not like I think that He'll reject me, but (once again, projecting flawed human traits onto a perfect God), I always have this idea in the back of my mind that He'll pick me up, but be super grudging about it; or that He'll reluctantly help me only because He has to as my God. I hate feeling like I'm an obligation. I realized how silly that idea is this past week... Olivia was being a bit of a brat that morning, as all children do at some point or another. She wasn't listening to instructions, she kept running away when we told her to stay put, she would freak out and wriggle out of our grasp whenever we tried to pick her up to redirect her behavior. After snack time though, out came the vacuum, and up came a terrified Olivia, babbling for help and reaching out to us desperately. As I swung her up into my arms, I felt no grumpy obligation or contempt toward her; just a desire to calm and protect this frightened little girl - and perhaps just a hint of amusement that the big "scary" was only a harmless push vacuum. :) It made no difference that I had been incredibly frustrated with her behavior five minutes ago. She was scared, and I had an instinctive desire to soothe her fears. God is the same way with us. It doesn't matter how much we've messed up or how "bad" of people we are... regardless of our behavior, He is God, and His instinct and desire is to care for and protect and love us when we come to Him. 

Moral of the story: Psalm 55:22. "Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." Go to God with your fears, insecurities, and worries, regardless of how you feel. He will pick you up into His arms, maybe chuckle at you a little bit (but in a nice way), and hold you close, protecting you completely. Relax, because He's got this. Even if there's a vacuum in the room. 

A Puzzling Comparison

I bet you thought that this post would be something about the enigmas or paradoxes of life, the universe, and everything, didn't you? Sorry to disappoint - in this case, puzzling refers to the action of uniting pieces of a deliberately fractured whole to create a single image called a puzzle. Actually, I just made that up... but it sounded good, right? ;) Anyhow, I work with lots of kids ages 2-6 several times a week, and on Wednesday mornings and Thursday nights we set up "stations" for the kids to work at during free play time. These are areas where they can do things like build train tracks, play with legos, color, etc. - but my absolute favorite station is the puzzle area. Especially when my buddy Jack shows up. He LOVES puzzles, so every time I pull one out and shake all the pieces out of the bag, he's right there to help me put them together! The only problem is, Jack is only four (almost five, according to him), so he hasn't quite figured out how to find pieces that match all the time. So, every time we start a puzzle, I give him the job of turning all the pieces right-side up while I quickly and stealthily search for matches. First we sort all of the edge pieces into a pile ("Is this one?" "Nope, good try Jack, but this one doesn't have any flat sides. See, this is what a flat edge looks like - find more of these!"), then we build the perimeter of the puzzle out of that pile and fill the middle with the remaining pieces until we get the whole thing solved. The process usually looks a little something like this:

Me: *sorts pieces quickly*
Jack: What can I do to help? :D
Me: Here buddy, this piece has an eagle wing on it... see if you can find a piece with the eagle's body!
Jack: *looks everywhere but at the piece right next to his left foot, which is the one he needs* I can't find it!
Me: What about the one by your foot?
Jack: *Searches through the pile by his right foot*
Me: Other side, buddy! Try the one by your other foot!
Jack: *sees it* Okay! *promptly turns the piece upside down and tries to stick it in the wrong side of the other piece* It doesn't work! *sets the piece aside and resumes searching for the "right one"*
Me: *picks up the discarded piece and hands it to him* I think this one is gonna work. Try it again!
Jack: It doesn't work! *tries it again anyhow (what a great kid!), but it "doesn't work" again, and he sets it down*
Me: What if you turn it around?
Jack: *picks it up, turns it the right way after a few false starts, and finally gets the pieces to match*
Me: There you go!
Jack: I did it!!! I fixed it, look!!! :D
Me: Wow, you sure did! Great job!!!

Thankfully, that's not how it goes with EVERY puzzle piece, haha! He's gotten really good at puzzles over the past few weeks, so most of the time I can just subtly toss matching pieces next to each other and he'll figure them out... always with a joyous exclamation that he found the right one and fixed it! Whoo! He's even gotten to the point where he can figure out small bits of the puzzle without any prompting or arranging by me - although the mysterious physiognomy of the "edge piece" still eludes him. :)

Doing puzzles with Jack makes me think about how God must do life with us. I work these puzzles all the time with various kids, so I'm familiar with how most of them go together. And even if I put together a puzzle I've never seen before, I can easily find pieces that match and see what way they need to go together to fit properly. I have a greater sense of how puzzles work, what whole images look like - basically, I know the big picture. Jack, on the other hand, isn't as familiar with the puzzles as I am; and even if he has done a certain puzzle before, he still can't always find matching pieces. And when he does, he can't always get them to fit right. But when I place a couple of matches right next to each other or suggest he turn a piece around, he quickly finds the match and is thrilled with what "he" just did. "Look, I found it!" he'll proclaim, even though I was the one who put the pieces in order; all he had to do was connect what was already in place. And he never says it in an arrogant way or anything like that; he's just really excited that he accomplished his goal, and he can't wait to show me what a great job he did! I wonder how many times that happens with God and us? How many times does God line up the perfect opportunities, people, events, etc. in our life to create His beautiful plan, and wait for us to put two and two together and run back to Him with a thrilled "Look what's happening! Didn't I do a good job?"

When I first thought of that, I felt a little embarrassed and guilty... I mean, here I have been excited about stuff in my life that's "just falling into place", or things that "I accomplished", when really God set the whole thing up... but then I realized, it's okay. When Jack calls to me and points out the fantastic way he connected the pieces I lined up for him a couple minutes ago, I never scold him for taking credit for "finding" what I already found, or disapprove of the pleasure he gets from "fixing" something that I had to fix for him. I take one look at those sparkling eyes and his huge grin (complete with missing front teeth), and I am just as thrilled for him as he is for himself! "Way to go, buddy! Awesome!" I love Jack, and seeing him so overjoyed at his "accomplishments" gives me great joy as well. And this is a kid I only see a couple times a week, and had never met until a couple months ago! How much more must God take pleasure in the joy of His children whom He knew before the creation of the world, whom He knit together in their mothers' wombs? My favorite Bible verse says it all:

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty warrior who will save you. He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will exult over you with loud singing!"
~Zephaniah 3:17

Glad rejoicing, quiet loving, loud singing that exults over us! WOW! As you recognize that though, also keep in mind that God is lining things up for us - let's remember to give credit to Him as we encounter "matches" in our lives. :)

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."
~Proverbs 3:5-6

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
~Ephesians 2:10

And when you're hearing His voice or His word directing you to take action in a way that doesn't seem to "fit" in your life, keep listening to Him. Keep trying if He directs you to. Because if you put down the piece that He showed you and start trying to put other pieces into the gap, chances are you're gonna be trying to fill that hole for a long time before you finally come back to the one He intended to go there.

Remember, God is the only one who can make something like this:

Turn into THIS! (This is my favorite puzzle to do with Jack - see the eagles?)

Anyway, those are my "puzzling" thoughts. :) Have a beautiful day!

GOT love?

I was raised in a home where my mom constantly told me that I was loved, that I would always be loved, that love was unconditional - but the unspoken lifestyle was that whether or not I actually received that love was conditional based on my behavior, attitude, performance, etc. If I was "good", I got smiles and hugs and playful teasing and approving looks. If I was "bad" though, I got the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, or worst of all - disappointed looks and a frowning mouth. Since that was my entire childhood (being homeschooled until high school, I really had nothing to compare it to), I just naturally assumed that that was normal behavior. That anyone who ever interacted with me would treat me the same way. So, when I reached high school and later college, I spent a lot of energy guarding my heart from the people that I loved, from the dear friends who welcomed me so patiently and openly into their lives. On the outside I was totally fine and happy, and I accepted and reciprocated their love for me with gratitude and joy, but on the inside I was always being cautious, overanalyzing everything I said or did to make sure it would be pleasing to them, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to realize what a screw-up I am and retreat from me, taking their love and friendship with them. A couple of really fantastic guys in my life realized this (to some extent) in my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college and tried to show me that I really was loved and accepted for who I am, and I tried really hard to believe them... but I always held a little pocket of doubt in my heart, kind of as a safegaurd just in case they went back on their kind words. The worst part is, I viewed God the same way. No matter how many how many sermons on grace and God's unconditional love and all that I heard over the years, and fully believed, I was conditioned to believe in being loved without believing that I would actually receive that love. Enter this summer, three amazing friends, and God's incredible moving. 

This summer is the first one I haven't spent working at camp since I started college. Instead I'm renting a room in my dorms and working at the church which shares our campus. I don't have that many hours of work a week, so a lot of my time is spent with two of my best friends from school, who live nearby, and a brand new friend introduced to me through one of them. This is going to be kind of hard to do without names, haha, so let's call them friend 1, 2, and 3. Now, friend 1 has the gift of discernment, and friend 3 has had a lot of cruddy stuff going on in her life lately, so friend 1 decided to get all of us together and work on bearing one another's burdens. This turned into an all-nighter, running from 11pm to 6:30am, and although we started off with addressing friend 3's burdens, we went through everyone's stuff eventually. While friend 3 was sharing, little things she said kept sounding familiar and dredging up issues that I had kept buried for a long time. Now, both 1 and 2 have known me for three years, and they know me better than I know myself. Literally. Especially friend 2 - he can just look at me and tell me exactly what I am thinking or dealing with at that exact moment. Crazy sauce. Anyway, because of this, they could tell that something was bugging me and I needed to share. So after we bore friend 3's burdens with her, they immediately turned on me and forced me to talk - which I hated, haha, but definitely needed! I shared what I wrote in the previous paragraph, plus some other stuff, and they set right to work throwing Scripture at me and asking me questions and revealing to me little by little how much of a lie I have believed about myself and my relationships with others. Some of it I had heard before, a lot of it was old concepts said in new ways that suddenly clicked. The most important thing I learned all night, something that completely blew my mind and changed my viewpoint, was something that friend 2 impressed upon me when he vehemently urged, "Don't let anyone define the way that I care about you. Never let anyone else define the way that I love you." He hates being compared to other people, and he showed me how, without realizing it, I automatically associate everyone who enters my life with my mother. For years I have believed that everyone who loves me will treat me the same way she did, that they will be less loving to me if I screw up, or may ditch me entirely if I don't live up to their standards. Totally led by God, friend 2 showed me how absolutely ridiculous that is - he is not my mother, he has not been through the things that made her the way she is, he does not see people the way she does, and he will never react in the way she does. And the same goes for everyone else. That concept completely broke me! Because the exact same goes for God. He is GOD, and He has His own identity, His own way of doing things - and He will never reject or avoid or accuse me. (For there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. ~Romans 8:1) This means that I don't have to wait for the other shoe to drop - both shoes are on the ground already. Or they're in the air, but won't ever fall... or they're on His feet... I dunno. You get the metaphorical point. :P 

Guess what? Same goes for you! If you have a hard time trusting in God because people have let you down in the past, stop it. If you believe that God's love is conditional because people have stopped loving you, knock it off. He is not them. He is trustworthy, and faithful, and He does not have a hidden agenda with dark purposes. He really, truly, wholly, perfectly does LOVE us. Go read Romans. Go read Ephesians (especially 2:11-22). Go read Zephaniah 3:17 (my favorite verse)! Go read the whole Bible, for cryin' out loud, haha! The whole thing is a love letter to us. His children. His beloved. His sons and daughters. His bride. 

And then go watch this video. Because YOU. ARE. LOVED. (And I'm fairly certain that Jesus sounds a lot like Josh Groban... except better, of course.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII

Luuuuucy...

I'm home! Well, technically, I've been home since Tuesday... but I've been battling with this monster called "jet lag" (thanks to a nine hour time zone difference) and trying to get myself acclimated to being in America again. Every year at the end of a new VISION trip I post an online version of a journal I keep throughout the trip; I finally finished typing up my journal for this year. Ta-da! Click here to see it! Unfortunately, I talk a lot about the beautiful architecture there, but have no actual pictures up for you... hopefully this will change by the end of next week! I am planning on having a major uploading/sorting/posting sesh with myself in the next few days if all goes as planned. I think that's pretty much all I have to say for now... I'll give you more info on what's happening in my life/summer/insights/etc. once I finish all of the work I'm doing on Spain stuff. Oh! And if you're interested in seeing what I did on past trips, check out the links below. Vaya con Dios, amigos.

My Swaziland trip (2010)
My Israel Trip (2011)
My Brasil Trip (2012)

T minus seven days, and counting...

ONE MORE WEEK!!! That's all that's left until I'll be on a plane leaving California for the mission field of SPAIN! For those of you who don't know (I've noticed readers from Russia, Brasil, and France on here - welcome!), I am part of my college's missions outreach/performance team, VISION. This is VISION's 21st year in operation, and every year 12-16 students are selected by audition to be a part of the team. Our first semester consists mostly of learning songs and dramas that praise God and present the Gospel. During second semester, we start ministering to local churches and raising support for our annual mission trip, which occurs during the month of May. We also learn several songs in the language of the people to whom we are going to minister. I have been a part of the team for the past three years, and this year we are going to Spain!

To give you a quick overview of our ministry, the past two years I have traveled with VISION to Israel and Brasil, respectively. Our ministry typically consists of our performing a 15-50 minute program (depending on the venue) of songs and silent dramas set to music in churches, at schools, and in public places. We often stay with host families, getting to know the people of the city we are ministering to as well as presenting the message of Jesus to large groups of strangers. This year we will be ministering in three different cities in Spain: Seville, Madrid, and Pamplona. Two of the missionaries we will be working with were even members of our college and/or past VISION teams! Here's a list of VISION XXI's ministry partners:

Larry and Rose Ann Thornburg, who have been serving in the Greater Madrid area for well over 25 years. Both VISION "0" (a team one year before VISION was formed under that name) and VISION II served with the Thornburgs back in the early 1990s, but no team has been back since.

Dan Leatherwood, in the Pamplona area. Dan's wife Lisa served in Spain as a member of VISION "0". They studied at CHC/SDCC, married, and then went to Spain as career missionaries.
After a long battle with cancer, Lisa went to be with the Lord a couple of years ago, but Dan and their five children continue to serve faithfully on the field.

J. D. and Sara Bennett, serving since 2005 near Seville. Their ministry targets unreached areas of Spain, centering in church planting, teaching, service projects, and English camps. J. D. is the brother of Lisa Leatherwood. He also has connections with Southern California Seminary's branch location in Seville.

We would really appreciate your prayers as we prepare to set out on this great adventure God has for us! Our trip is going to be from May 14th-June 4th, and we would love to have prayer partners during this time! 

In addition, if you would like to become an honorary part of VISION XXI, we would appreciate any financial assistance you feel led to provide; even spare change would raise our account level! As it stands right now, some of our members may not even be able to go on the trip due to financial issues. :( Each member has to raise their own funding, and the cost for each is about $2,800 dollars. I have a great support network and have raised almost all of my necessary funds, but many of my friends are not equally blessed. If you would like to help us, donation info is below. Any amount would be greatly appreciated!

You can make a donation via one of the following methods:

• By credit card online. Go to https://sdcc.edu/secure/Giving.aspx and fill in the form. In the "Donation Designation" list, choose "Vision Music Missions."

• By mail. Make check payable to San Diego Christian College and mail it to VISION Spain 2013, SDCC Dept. of Performing Arts, 2100 Greenfield Drive, El Cajon, CA 92019.

On behalf of all of my teammates, whether you are donating or keeping us in prayer, or just reading this post and thinking of us from time to time, thank you for your support! And from me personally, thank you for reading this blog! I've watched it grow from 1 view in the USA to 391 views from USA, Russia, France, and Brazil! I am honored by your interest, and I can't wait to continue this blogging journey with you once I return from Spain! :) Until then, vaya con Dios, mis amigos! (Go with God, my friends!) 

VISION XXI Spain Team, L to R, as seen in the uploaded photo (click photo to enlarge): Jake Coffin, Emilie McDonald, Laurie Alcaraz, Heather Lawton, Donny Bueno, Priscilla Norman, Luke VanNortwick, Naomi Klockmann, Ryan McDonald, Brad Thuerbach, Trisha Guinn, Mark-Anthony Beltran, Lizzy Byrd.

Centroid of the mechanism...

Every Thursday night at 7:30, a couple of my dear girl friends hold a women's Bible study at my school. We're going through a book called "The Cross Centered Life" (man, my blog might as well be a plug for every Christian book I ever come into contact with, huh?), and each week one of the leading girls summarizes the chapter and talks about what spoke to her. Tonight Juliette discussed several good points about how Jesus loves us each personally and individually, we are only living the cross-centered life when we are filled with assurance and joy (note - not the same as happiness; see C.S. Lewis for more explanation), and legalism can sneak in as focus on our sins rather than God's grace. One thing that really stood out to me though was an offhand comment that she made about how everything that we find satisfaction in breaks down and falls apart except for Jesus. It's a simple and obvious comment really, but due to some recent changes in my life, I've been thinking about it more often. Juliette mentioned that it happens within ministries too, and I have experienced that personally when a ministry that my life used to center around dissolved due to lack of participants just last year. Every person my life has ever revolved around has either grown distant or our relationship has changed; or worse, the person himself changed. There's only one constant in life, ever. I think Radio Babylon captured it best in their awesome comic strip "Coffee With Jesus":

Hmm. How very true that is. I know this isn't up to my usual witty/anecdotal post standards, but it's been a rough week, and this point touched me... so I wanted to share it with you guys, however briefly. :) Take a good look at where you're centering your life. If it's not on Jesus, chances are you're due for a collapse. I know from personal experience - it happens to me every time I take my focus from Him. Leave your heart in His hands. Make Him the center. That's all, folks.

I am a baby sea turtle.

When I was a child, grandma's house was a very exciting place to me for the sole reason that while my mom and my grandma chatted, I would be set in front of a television which, unlike mine at home, actually had cable. This meant I had full access to explore Nickelodeon and the Disney channel to my heart's content - a thrilling prospect! One of my favorite shows on Nick Jr. was "Gullah Gullah Island", a series about a group of families who lived on an awesome island and apparently spent all day every day learning things about nature, themselves, and each other. I very clearly remember one episode in which the family went down to the beach one night to watch baby sea turtles hatch. It was so amazing to watch these tiny little turtles, no bigger than the palms of the children's hands, flop and waddle their awkward way toward the sea and half-leap into the incoming waves. It still amazes me to this day... how can something JUST HATCHED, which has spent its entire life until this point growing and developing in the sheltered safety of a soft egg buried deep in the sand for protection, break free of its egg, push up through the sand, and rush toward the perilous, mighty ocean without a second of hesitation? (Can you imagine a baby being just delivered, and immediately hopping up and trotting toward the hospital parking lot to go home?) How does a baby turtle even have the strength to do it, when these creatures have had no chance to exercise their tiny little muscles until the moment of their glorious emergence? There's only one answer: because that's how God made them. He put it into their teensy little minds - or maybe hearts - to push up out of their soft prison and upon encountering the wide world immediately race toward the raging ocean as fast as their floppy little fins will take them. And He gave them the strength to do it.

Sometimes I have doubts and worries about the future. I worry about whether or not I'll be hired for the summer job I need to help me stay in college next year. I worry about what I'm going to do for the roughly seven months after I graduate before I plunge into the internship I feel God calling me to. I wonder what I'm supposed to do with my life after the internship is complete. And yet, like those baby sea turtles, God is calling me forward. He already knows where I'm headed and what I need to do to get there, and He will draw me toward Himself as I go.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
~Jeremiah 29:11

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
~Ephesians 2:10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
~Proverbs 3:6

One more thing I learned while watching baby sea turtles hatch... when the time came for a baby turtle to flounder toward the ocean, Ranger Mike instructed the family to keep all of their flashlights off, because the light of the moon and the stars on the water is what leads the baby turtles to the ocean. Seeing other lights would make them turn away from the ocean and wobble toward the flashlights in their confusion. How often do the appealing things of this world make me turn from following the glorious light of God? 

Brothers and sisters, let us not turn away from the one true light to any of the meager imitations this world offers. "[L]et us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1b-2)" Let's be baby sea turtles, trusting the Creator to lead us and give us the strength we need to complete the journey, constantly plunging forward - awkward though we are. A mighty ocean waits before us! 

No one like You/How He Loves Us

This morning's Pandora worship session woke me up with a good dose of David Crowder. In his song "No One Like You", the first verse claims, "Every day, You're the same. You never change, no never!" That's always been a no-brainer for me. Duh... of course God never changes. It's just a fact. We take it for granted... why sing about it? But this morning I realized that it's not just a fact - it is a huge blessing. God's unchanging nature is a gift to His people. When I think of my best friend in this city, I would love to say that he never changes; but that's entirely untrue. When I'm having a bad day, sometimes he can be the sweetest, kindest, most helpful friend I've ever had. But other times he's having a bad day too, or tells me to suck it up and move on, or sometimes he's not even here at all. Sometimes when I say "hi" to him from across the courtyard he'll make a completely 180 from where he was going just to come over and give me a hug. Sometimes he'll glance up just long enough to toss out a grumpy "hey" and continue on. Even though I completely trust him as a person and trust that he cares about me and loves me as a friend, I can't trust him to be the exact same person - or to act the same toward me - every day. God's not like that. Every single day, no matter whether I'M close or distant, grumpy or happy, up or down, He's always pouring out his grace, love, mercy, affection, gentleness, kindness, patience, sweetness, etc. into my life. In fact, I would even say that he slathers me with love. Slather - isn't that a great word? A friend of mine used it yesterday, then noted how it's a combination between "slop" and "lather". So it's like, "Heap it on and rub it all over!" SLATHER. I think that's how God's affection is given to us. Slather style. He scoops up as much love as we can humanly handle, plops it onto our heads, and rubs it into the darkest corners of our hearts with zeal. And He never stops doing this.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."
~Jeremiah 31:3b

For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
~Psalm 117:2

"I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me."
~Jeremiah 32:40

And these are only a few of the hundreds of verses in the Bible which display God's incredible care for us. Praise God - He will never stop loving us and doing good to us! What a remarkably undeserved blessing.

What a sight!

"So in the end, explanations always fall short, and we're left with a choice between sight and faith, between practicality and belief. Because beyond the world that we see with our eyes is another world that pulses beneath the skin of the visible - a world of prayer and spirit, of love and the future, of wonder and ultimate reality. And that world is even more real than ours since it's only because of the invisible that the visible is even here."
~Stephen James, Sailing Between the Stars

It's amazing how much we see - and don't see - with our eyes. I can see the crow cawing joyously outside my window as he bobs up and down on the tree branch. I see a small yet powerful body, graceful wings, glossy black feathers, a sparkling black eye. But what it is really? Nothing more than an assortment of vibrating molecules, which absorb and reflect different parts of the waves and rays and particles of light that strike them. If we were to see a crow without our brains filtering the reflecting light rays and meshing together  the moving molecules, I think it might look something a bit like this:

But because of the way that we are created to see, it comes across to us like this:

However, if you were created not as a human being but as a snake (which "sees" primarily by sensing creatures by the heat they give off), a bird would look more like this:

If you were a bat, you would sense a bird by the sound waves reflecting back from it by using sonar. But as humans, we cannot see the thermal image of another living creature. We can't detect the precise waves of sound bouncing off of a solid object. We can't even see uv rays or microwaves, which I've been told that some reptiles can. How much more might we be missing out there just because we are not equipped to see it? Even the things that our brain CAN perceive are not always relayed to our senses.

"The brain processes 400 Billion bits of information a second. BUT, we are ONLY aware of 2,000 of those." -Dr. Joseph Dispenza, D.C.

There is simply too much information for us to respond to all of it without going mad. So when it comes the the spiritual world... well, to quote one of my favorite Christmas movies, The Santa Clause, "Seeing isn't believing...believing is seeing. Kids don't have to see this place to know that it's here. They just...know." Just because we cannot see the world of spirit with our eyes doesn't mean that it's not just beyond the ends of our fingertips. Regardless of what our eyes tell us, a lot of crazy stuff exists in this world that we can't - or don't - perceive. This is why faith is such an important part of our relationship with God - because

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
~Hebrews 11:1

Think about that as you go about your day... especially the fact that Jesus is always with us, "even to the end of the age". Even though you can't see Him standing beside you, that doesn't make Him any less there. Our human perception is flawed, but God's perception is perfect. And at the end of our lives, when our transformation comes and we are made like Him... man, that'll be a sight to see! :)

Twenty-thirteen, no regrets!!!

"No regrets!" is one of the defining cries of my generation... or at least of my friends at camp last summer. Whenever we did something a little crazy - like going rollerskating with a full knowledge that none of us had any skill on wheels, or buying the most awkwardly patterned thrift store shirt ever, or eating that third corn dog - we would plunge into the experience yelling "Twenty-twelve, no regrets!". This went hand in hand with the more popular "YOLO" (You Only Live Once), expressing our desire to live life to the fullest and emphasizing the fact that, no matter what the consequences, this choice that we were about to make would be worth it. All of us want to be able to live our lives without regrets, because regrets imply bad choices, being wrong, dealing with painful consequences, guilt. Guilt never feels good. It doesn't make you want to yell "YOLO!" at the top of your lungs... it makes you want to curl up in a miserable little ball and whisper, "Can I live twice? 'Cause I messed this life up pretty badly." Well, guess what? There's good news! God is really into second chances. :) Salvation gives us a chance to start anew. He will wipe our slate clean the moment we ask Him... and you know what the best part is? After He does that, your sin is GONE.

"For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”
~ Hebrews 8:12

The way I was raised, any wrongdoing produced a major guilt trip from my mother. Even after repentance and consequences, often there would still be a lingering sense of guilt, especially if the results of my sin continued long after the punishment did. For the longest time, I thought this was an appropriate response to my failings... "I did a bad thing, and I should be sorry that I did it... in fact, if I'm sorry enough, or for long enough, maybe it will make up for what I did." It's only been in the past couple of years that I've finally accepted that guilt is not an acceptable response to grace. Guilt is meant to convict us of sin and lead us to repentance, not to make us feel like terrible people even after we've repented. I was reminded of this incredible truth this morning when I was reading in 2 Corinthians. Chapter 7, verse 10 states clearly:

"For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation WITHOUT REGRET, whereas worldly grief produces death." [emphasis added]

Let's remember this important truth as we continue this crazy journey called life. I'm speaking to myself as much as to you when I say, don't hold on to your guilt after repentance. Stop taking the punishment that Jesus already took FOR you. Accept the work of grace, give up your own self-deprication. Let's live our lives with such a close connection to Jesus and His mercy that, even after we fail, we can still hold our faces up to the King and cry out joyfully, "TWENTY-THIRTEEN... NO REGRETS!!!"

Oh, and remember this important truth too...

For me...

Last night I watched The Passion of the Christ for the first time. Yeah, I know I'm a good nine years late, haha... when this movie first came out I was only thirteen years old, and my parents decided it would probably be best if their sheltered little homeschooler wasn't exposed to that much gore. Having seen it, I think that was a great decision. But now that I've grown up and been exposed to all sorts of craziness - and grown a lot closer to Jesus personally - I am SO GLAD that I made the decision to watch it last night. This isn't a plug for the movie or anything, but I have never before understood the depth of what Jesus did for us. And I still don't - but I think I'm a lot closer to getting it now. I'm a very visual, very emotionally aware sort of person; so while the Bible tells us what happened to Jesus, the matter-of-fact way the story is told and the lack of cultural relevance (not too many crucifixions happening in America's justice system) always left me feeling a little distant from the story. Cool, Jesus died for me... basically He got kicked around a little, He was nailed to a cross, hung out there for a few hours, and then gave up the ghost (literally). Right?

Not so much. Witnessing the kind of torture He actually went through had me sitting curled up, arms wrapped around knees pulled up to my chest, crying like it was A Walk To Remember and Jamie just died. And that was just at the whipping. Seeing what those kinds of whips actually do to a person's flesh, especially the cat of nine tails - watching the guards having to actually rip out chunks of his skin to get the barbs of the whip to release him - hearing his screams, but seeing him struggle to stand anyway - watching him embrace this agony, and later his cross, and knowing that it was all so that he could embrace me - it was the most painful love story I've ever seen. Yeah, it was just a movie, and that guy's name was really Jim, and the blood was all fake... but one day, it wasn't. That all actually happened.

He... the real Jesus... the actual, literal, tangible, personal son of God... really and truly went through that all of that excruciating pain and more (they didn't even show the beard ripping in the film) just because He wanted so badly to not have to watch me suffer the same fate. His love for me is so strong that He actually CHOSE to allow the guards to beat and whip His body so cruelly that He couldn't even walk upright without a struggle, let alone carry the cross all the way to Golgotha; then He allowed soldiers to nail spikes through His wrists and feet; then He chose to hang there with every inch of His body in agony for hours before it was finally finished. It should have been me. I should have been the one covered in my own blood from head to toe. I should have experienced the agony that He did... but love. Love took the pain that should have been mine. Love set me free from the curse. Love wraps His arms around me from behind and wipes away my tears with weathered, tender hands set above gaping, scarred holes in His wrists.

Now go back through that last paragraph and replace the words "I" and "me" with "you", and "my" and "mine" with "your(s)". Read it again. That's my point for today... HE LOVES YOU THAT MUCH. It's a love so great that it's humanly impossible to grasp, and yet He places that love right within your hands.

But wait... there's more! HE DIDN'T STAY DEAD!!! That moment at the end of the movie when they showed the graveclothes sinking in on themselves as their previous inhabitant slipped through them and stood back upright, fully alive, completely and perfectly whole save for the holes where the nails and the spear pierced Hiim... SO MUCH JOY!!! He is alive, and because of that, we too are alive and will be alive eternally! And furthermore, He is WITH US. Always... right here. Right now. And forever. Wow! I have no more words... except maybe the ones at the end of this song, sung from Peter's perspective:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKxD8WnSYqQ

He's alive, and I'm forgiven! Heaven's gates are open wide! He's alive, He's alive, He's ALIVE!

Take my heart...

Warning: nerd fest occurring below. Read on at peril of encountering badly explained allegories and random connections.

I like to start off my day with my Christian Pandora station; it helps me ease out of sleep (I am NOT a morning person) into a place of worship where I find myself in awe of God and desiring of His presence. This morning one of the songs which came on was "The Stand" by Hillsong. The chorus prays in wonder, "So what can I say, and what can I do, but offer this heart, oh God, completely to You?" I usually sing that line as a vague submission to His will, but this time I actually listened to the words themselves and the implication of that offering. I don't know how many of you watch the television series Once Upon A Time, but since the beginning of last semester, I haven't been able to get enough of the stories of magic that comes with a price and the notion that true love is powerful enough to break any curse. One of the most intriguing feats of magic, and a regular occurrence on this show, is the ability of anyone who can control magic to actually physically remove the heart of another person without harming them. It works on animals too; in the scene where this concept is first introduced to one of the main characters, she is instructed to take the heart from a completely wild horse (while he is immobilized by other magic, of course). She plunges her hand quickly into the animal's chest, and when she pulls it out she holds a glowing red heart in her hand. The moment the horse is released from the immobilizing spell, he stands perfectly calm beside her as though he had been tame since birth. Okay, so - point one - having someone's heart means that they will submit themselves to you... but the full impact of this didn't really hit me until it happened to a human much later in the series. (Spoiler alert - if you haven't seen Season 2 Episode 8, this is a crucial plot point.) When a villainess steals the heart of the princess Aurora, she is able to infiltrate Aurora's group of heroines long distance, using the heart as a listening device of sorts. More impressively, she speaks to the heart of the princess, and far away where the princess is walking with her friends, Aurora unknowingly speaks the words of the villainess as if they were her own. So, point two - if you have possession of someone's heart, not only do you control them, you have an intimate connection with them, and you can put words into their mouths. (And, as we see later, summon that person to you.) Finally, in one of the most crucial scenes in a later episode, that same villainess tries to take the heart of another heroine, but is unable to because her heart is protected by the true love she has for her son and the true love that her mother has for her. Point three - true love prevents hearts from being stolen.

All right, so I've rambled about one of my favorite shows and made a bunch of random points - where's the connection to morning worship? Let me show you how I allegorize (no, that's not a real word) all of these concepts... God truly loves us. He gave us a free will as human beings, so He refuses to take our hearts without our consent. (Like point three.) However, if we ask Him to take our hearts from us, we are submitting ourselves to Him (point one). As we grow closer to Him and allow Him even more control over our lives, He is able to accomplish His will through us and even speak directly through us (point two). Wow. How awesome is that? "So what can I say, and what can I do, but offer my heart, oh God, completely to You?" This then should be our ultimate goal, our primary desire - that we would give up our lives so completely to God that we become instruments of His will not by force our coercion, but because we have submitted so fully to His power. Because we have given Him our hearts.

Sleight of hand...

Since finishing Dannah Gresh's Get Lost devotional challenge, I'm moved on to another great book: Sailing Between the Stars by Stephen James. My awesome sister gave it to me for Christmas, but I hadn't started reading it until a few days ago. First of all let me just say, McDonald's slogan. Right here. About this book. Secondly, today's chapter made an interesting point about the paradox of love...

"[T]he people with the emptiest lives are those who give of themselves the least, while those with the fullest lives are the ones who are always giving themselves away. Seeing this strange aspect of love helps me understand how Jesus is able to love each of us with perfect, unfailing love.
God gives all of himself, offers the complete package of his love, to each of us and so receives, in the act of giving, even more love to extend. And then the giving begins again. Perfect love given and received, unending sacrifice. Unfailing love."

Let's just take a moment to ponder that... no matter how much love God gives to us, He still has that same amount of love for us pouring out. It's a neverending waterfall a google times deeper and wider than Angel Falls. How amazing is that? This cycle of giving love and receiving it multiplied reminded me of something else though... love isn't the only thing that cycles when placed in the hands of God. As C.S. Lewis said in his incredible novel The Screwtape Letters (which was written from the perspective of a demon and therefore refers to God as "The Enemy"):

"For we must never forget what is the most repellent and inexplicable trait in our Enemy; He really loves the hairless bipeds He has created and always gives back to them with His right hand what He has taken away with His left."

This is so true... and so crazy. I have a tendency to try to do things independently; I'm not a huge fan of group projects, and "acts of service" is the love language that speaks least to me. Often though, this means striving for things that I can't accomplish on my own, or reaching for things that I'm not yet ready for. It's a struggle for me to "let go and let God". Yet I've found that every time I do give something up to Him, He takes care of it. Like Lewis said, He always gives back with His right hand what He takes away with His left. For example, when I was fundraising for my first mission trip (in fact, pretty much for every trip since then too), I did everything I could to raise support, then freaked out when I didn't have the amount I needed. Not in a big way, just in my own thoughts and emotions... "Oh no! I'm $500 short! What am I going to do? What CAN I do? Should I send out more letters or something? Can I take out a loan from my parents? How do I fix this?" That's a short glimpse of my internal dialogue. I always came to a point, though, where I realized that the trip was NOT about me, it was about God; about doing the work that He had for us. And if He wanted me to go serve Him, He would make it happen. Once I placed the responsibility on His shoulders, the money came in; that first time, even with a little extra to spare! He waited for me to give up my fundraising worries, and then He brought in the funds. That's not the only example I have either; I was feeling neglected and abandoned a few weeks ago. I was struggling with my need for people and the tendency to put my desire for the approval of others over my desire for communion with God. I finally surrendered my need for people's approval to Him and began to focus solely on what He thinks of me and how I respond to Him - and what did He do? That very same week He rekindled an abandoned friendship, and now this dear friend talks to me every day, encourages me, sends me scripture, prays for me, etc. Once I put my relationship with God first, He sent one of the most meaningful human relationships I've had into my life.

Now, I'm not by any means telling you this as some sort of magic formula... "If you want something, give up your desire to God and He'll supply you with the real deal!" No way. God's answer to surrendered hopes isn't always "here ya go!". Often it's "be patient, you're not ready for this yet", or "no - I have a better idea". (Case in point - I'm still a single lady, haha!) My point is, don't be afraid to give up your dreams to God. So often I think we fear that if we surrender to God, He'll take away everything we like to do and make us go sit in the dirt of a foreign country next to a leprous half-naked person who smells like fresh sewage and tell them that He loves them. And who knows, maybe that is His plan for you (mostly likely not, but you never know)... but whatever He has prepared for you to do, it will be the greatest joy you could ever imagine! Surrendering to God may not get you the material things you desire, but it will ALWAYS provide you with an outpouring of peace, love, joy, and *insert the rest of the fruits of the Spirit here*. Don't be afraid to let God take your dreams. He will give you His reality in return - and that's better than anything we could ever ask for.

Throwback Thursday!

This is a post I wrote a few months ago on a private blog, but the topic has recently come up in the discussions I've been having with other friends, so I thought I'd share it with all of you too! Here you go...

"This Wednesday in chapel, the speaker (Megan Fate Marshman) shared an incredible message with us, and I just want to share part of what she said with you...

Her main illustration was that of a married couple. The wife can't just run back to her parent's home and try to stay there every day, because she's a wife - she needs to be with her husband, in his home, loving and serving him. In the same way, we are already Christians... we're no longer sinners (like she is no longer single). We can't just keep running back to sin, because that's insane... we belong with Jesus. We are already together. Another point that struck me really deeply was 'Become who you already are.' As Christians, we are the daughters and sons of God. We are princes and princesses. We are holy, pure, blessed, forgiven, adopted, wanted, chosen, loved. How many of us actually live up to that truth? How many of us actually believe it? This is your identity. Become who you already are.

That struck me on a deep level because I've been living my life up to this point trying to live up to God's standards so that I can become who He wants me to be by the time I get to Heaven. It sounds stupid written out here (probably because it is), but I never actually sat down and thought about how dumb that was. God is eternal. He sees me in all stages of my existence; and eternity is now, anyway. It doesn't start when I die. So that means that from the moment I accepted Christ, God immediately changed His viewpoint and saw me... and sees me... as a perfect, complete, holy person. Yes, I am broken. Yes, I mess up. But I am still perfect in His present, which is my soon. It's like this blog - I am writing to you from the past, but I see it as the present, because I haven't caught up to you yet.This blog has given me a whole different perspective on time, and I think it's helped me to understand God a lot better through that. He's outside of this time frame... He calls all times soon. And I am already (though not yet) perfect. Always.

My prayer for you is that you'll see yourself this way too. That you'll be able to recognize that you don't have to try to become someone whom God loves, whom God can use, who is perfect and blameless. YOU ALREADY ARE. And I hope that truth affects you as much as it did me."

The Middle of Your Heart

Sometimes lyrics speak louder than words. :) Watch this video. It says it all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1voPbg3zOCY

Texting God...

Today I was having a very in-depth conversation about God with my wonderful sister, and we both agreed that one of our biggest problems in our walk with Him is a lack of constant interaction. As much as we would love to "pray without ceasing", that's not an easy thing to do. I find myself so often spending my mornings in deep communion with Him, then rushing off to class and forgetting all about the One who is always with me for the rest of my day. I have such a hard time focusing on ANYTHING when I'm not specifically sitting and thinking about that thing only, and that's especially true when it comes to God. I want my life to be a constant conversation with Him, but I never seem to be able to accomplish it. Then my sister brought up this simple concept - "What if God texted you?"
Because I live on my college campus and I'm usually with the people I want to talk to, I never used to text anyone. Recently, though, I have reconnected with a friend of mine who lives in another state. We've begun to text each other randomly throughout the day, often with pictures of what's happening - for example, "Look at my adorable nieces and nephew!" or "This is what my view from the library front desk looks like." We'll carry on a single conversation at intervals of several minutes over the course of a few hours. Can you imagine what it would be like if God had a cell number? When my sister mentioned this, I thought about all of the things I would love to do if He did... like text Him with a question when I wasn't sure about something, or text "I love you" with cheesy love poems attached, or carry on a continuous (if delayed) dialogue just like the one I carry on with my out-of-state friend. I was thinking to myself how AWESOME that would be... and then I realized, what a doofus I am! I can do all of those things with God right now! Instead of texting Him, I have the perfect pathway for communication - not dependent upon wifi or signal strength, always available, and always free. Prayer is so much stronger a tool (and a weapon) than I think we acknowledge most of the time. It's like sending a direct message that you know He will see instantly (no waiting for Him to check His messages!). And yet I use it so little... *sigh*
In 1 Thessalonians 5, where we are told to "pray without ceasing" (verse 17), the passage continues to state that this (among other things) is "the will of God in Christ Jesus for you". God so clearly wants to be in constant connection with us. What a beautiful realization - that the king of the universe; the creator of space, time, people, color, animals, laughter, raindrops, roses, fire; the healer of broken hearts; the lover of lonely souls; desires to be a part of YOUR little life and places significance in your insignificant activities. WOW. There is nothing greater.

Patience, love...

1 Corinthians 13:4 is an extremely popular verse, and thousands of children in Sunday school have memorized it over the years... as a child I too droned quickly through the verse so as not to forget anything before I finished reciting it to my teachers. "Loveispatientloveiskind,itdoesnotenvyorboast,*gasp*..." I'm sure you can imagine it. It's been a long time since I took a longer look at the verse, but today I read it again on a dear friend's blog sidebar, and the first part of the verse jumped out to me as never before... "LOVE IS PATIENT". I've been called a patient person by several of my friends (although my mother would probably beg to differ), and I've always tried to stay calm and pleasant even when I wanted to rush full speed ahead and "sound my barbaric yawp". This verse, however, targets one area of of patience I've always had a hard time with... love. I'm a very emotionally driven girl when it comes to other people. I have a tendency to pour my heart out to those I trust, whether through words or actions, and sometimes I give a larger piece of my heart to a person than I intend to. This past week and a half of devotions has taught me that I shouldn't be giving out my heart at all; rather, I should be giving out GOD'S heart, and giving my own to Him alone. As a former homeschooler who is almost 22 years old and has never been on a single date, it's difficult sometimes (as ridiculous as it sounds) to trust that God will take care of my heart better than any friend or boy (or boyfriend) ever could, and simply be still and WAIT for Him to lead the perfect man to the waiting heart in His hands. So many times I want to run up to God and snatch my heart back so that I can give it to the person I deem most fit to hold it - how silly, when the only person truly fit to hold it is Him.
This may sound a little weird, but I had a really crazy dream last night - my first ever "wedding dream". Only, unlike the dreams of beautiful, exciting weddings that I've heard my friends speak of, mine was different - darker. I dreamed that I was proposed to by a man I was attracted to, but who really wasn't the right one for me. Out of frustration with my single state and a despairing doubt that God would ever bring me a man, I accepted. The wedding was quick and heartless, and afterward I was struck by an immense sense of loss and guilt - a sudden realization that I was now tied to this man for the entire rest of life, and that God had wanted me to marry another man - one whom He was already bringing into my life, and who would have been an exact and perfect match for me. Envision my relief when I woke to find that I wasn't married to anyone, I had no ties, and I hadn't just ruined my entire future! Whew! I don't put much stock in dreams in general, but this one felt so different from all the others... so real. I feel like God was giving me a warning and a lesson. Don't forsake His will out of a lack of patience; even if it takes far longer to do things His way, that way is perfect, and I cannot choose a better one for myself. Also, stop fighting the wait. The feeling of entrapment that I experienced in the dream once I realized I was suddenly bound to my husband's goals and desires and plans was a terrifying and enlightening wake-up call. Even though it's hard to be the third wheel - or, more often, the lone wheel - as a young adult, being single is a gift, and I so often forget to treat it like one. I'm not saying that marriage is a bad thing at all - don't get me wrong, I do look forward to being joined to my husband's life! But I learned last night how wholly unprepared I am for that at the present moment. I still have a lot of growing - and just as importantly, a lot of serving - to do before I am ready. This all leads back to the poignant first phrase of 1 Cor. 13:4... Love is patient.

Lord, let my love be patient, not rushing ahead of Your will to pour itself upon another. Let me serve you in the interim without the wandering tug of a needy heart. This is my desire - to love the Lord my God with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength; then to love my neighbor as myself. Give me the strength to place my heart fully in Your hands - and to leave it there, not taking it back for any reason whatsoever. I submit my heart to You. Let my love be patient.

Shining...

For the past several days, I have been learning how to go deeper into the presence and desires of God through a book called Get Lost by Dannah Gresh. One part of this book includes a ten-day challenge, with each day offering a new aspect of getting lost in God and surrendering to His desires and plans for your life. Today I completed the ten days with a challenge to share His proposal with others; to share His love and invite others to become a part of it. One part of this chapter struck me more than any other -

            "Sometimes we should not attempt to bring someone to the cross in forceful conversation but should simply leave behind the fragrance of love. Dietrich Bonhoeffer pointed out, 'Jesus himself did not try to convert the two thieves on the cross; he waited until one of them turned to him.' The famous evangelist D.L. Moody once said, 'Lighthouses don't fire cannons to call attention to their shining - they just shine.' Today your action point is to consider how well your light is shining. In romantic terms, you get to illuminate God's proposal of marriage to a lost world. He is collecting the Bride of Christ, and you and I get to help. What care should be taken with such a proposal! Is your life overflowing with the joy of being utterly in love with God?"

Especially poignant to me was the quote by Moody. Let me say it for you again - "Lighthouses don't fire cannons to call attention to their shining - they just shine." Or, if you want to hear it in terms of this blog, "Torches don't turn into flamethrowers to alert people to their glow." Or, "Rain doesn't force itself down people's throats and drown them to let them know it's falling." I'm not saying that there isn't a time or place for intense, pointed evangelism. If that's the direction the Holy Spirit leads in a particular situation or conversation, then that's where we should take it. Yet so often I feel like arguing people into the kingdom becomes our default. So often we overlook 1 Corinthians 13 - without love, our words mean nothing. Really, how often are our debates with non-believers motivated by love (rather than a desire to prove ourselves - or even more ridiculously, God - right)? This is part of what drove the philosopher Kierkegaard from the Danish church. He saw the hypocrisy of trying to force people into the kingdom of love with facts and proofs. Rather, he believed that we should forget all of the "reasons" to believe in Christ - especially since, as he points out, we believe in an entirely UNreasonable faith - and instead draw near to God with passion and unwavering, subjective, heart-filled FAITH. Our love for God and trust in Him should be of such great magnitude that others will recognize the difference in us. I am not yet at that stage, but that is my desire - to be so inseparable from God that others cannot look at me without seeing Him. That should be our aim. To love Him so deeply that we cannot help loving the people He cares so much for, and that the power of that love would draw others to Him. To love, period.  

A Torch...

First of all, I want to take a look at my role in the element of fire. It's a late night and I have to rise early, so I'll focus on my current idea and expand on the definition of fire in later posts. This is the element (or personality description) that I feel fits me best, and if I look back over my life, I can see a pattern that I think applies spiritually.

If I am a flame, then for many years I was a wildfire. Not outwardly; I don't think any of my friends past or present would exactly call me a wild child or reckless or all-consuming. But it's not what I show people that really makes a difference - it's what happens inside my heart. My heart and my mind were left so unguarded that I allowed my emotions to control me - friends in late high school and early college can probably tell you about my terrible mood swings, and how I would go from being a cheery person one day to being incurably depressed for the next week. Maybe it was hormone fluctuation, maybe I just gave my heart too much reign, but my emotions were out of control. I managed (for the most part, I think) to keep the flames away from the people I loved, but in doing so I usually ended up burning myself; and every day when the fire had consumed me, all that was left was a hollow shell worth nothing more than whatever treasures survived buried somewhere in the ashes.

Somewhere between my freshman and sophomore year of college I finally figured out the whole self-talk/self-monitoring process that involves watching how you respond to situations (mentally as well as otherwise), and how important you make things out to be (yay psych classes!). Combined with the realization that this life is fleeting and little if any of the "disasters" that come my way will matter in the rest of eternity, I began to be able to control myself better and keep an eye on my feelings. I like to think of this as the "fire pit" stage; I hemmed myself in with intellectual rocks that kept me from burning out of control, but I am just now beginning to learn that this also kept me from being able to mobilize. Others were always more than welcome to come to me for warmth and encouragement, but going to others made me leave my protective circle and become vulnerable - something I'm not naturally willing to do, for fear that I'll end up burning out of control again. I've recently started pressing further into my relationship with God, which I am ashamed to say I had neglected for several weeks. Now that I have grown nearer to Him, I am beginning to long for a higher stage - I want to leave the fire pit I created myself and become a torch.

A torch carries light and warmth to a room and blazes freely, but it is by no means out of control. In fact, in order for it to move, it needs to be carried from place to place. I want to be so submitted to Christ that I am carried in His hand to wherever He desires me to be. I am not entirely giving up my heart in this; I will still be burning, still on fire. However, I want to allow Him to shape my heart and lead it where it needs to go - to reach those He desires me to reach, to spread His light and warmth and maybe even ignite other torches. I want to reach the point of such faith that even when He places my torch in a wall bracket, I will not doubt that my purpose is being fulfilled. That I will be able to trust that He is using me to light and warm the place He ordained for me, rather than fearing that I am in the open, unmoving, and helpless or useless. I want to be a torch - and I want that torch to be His.