A Torch...

First of all, I want to take a look at my role in the element of fire. It's a late night and I have to rise early, so I'll focus on my current idea and expand on the definition of fire in later posts. This is the element (or personality description) that I feel fits me best, and if I look back over my life, I can see a pattern that I think applies spiritually.

If I am a flame, then for many years I was a wildfire. Not outwardly; I don't think any of my friends past or present would exactly call me a wild child or reckless or all-consuming. But it's not what I show people that really makes a difference - it's what happens inside my heart. My heart and my mind were left so unguarded that I allowed my emotions to control me - friends in late high school and early college can probably tell you about my terrible mood swings, and how I would go from being a cheery person one day to being incurably depressed for the next week. Maybe it was hormone fluctuation, maybe I just gave my heart too much reign, but my emotions were out of control. I managed (for the most part, I think) to keep the flames away from the people I loved, but in doing so I usually ended up burning myself; and every day when the fire had consumed me, all that was left was a hollow shell worth nothing more than whatever treasures survived buried somewhere in the ashes.

Somewhere between my freshman and sophomore year of college I finally figured out the whole self-talk/self-monitoring process that involves watching how you respond to situations (mentally as well as otherwise), and how important you make things out to be (yay psych classes!). Combined with the realization that this life is fleeting and little if any of the "disasters" that come my way will matter in the rest of eternity, I began to be able to control myself better and keep an eye on my feelings. I like to think of this as the "fire pit" stage; I hemmed myself in with intellectual rocks that kept me from burning out of control, but I am just now beginning to learn that this also kept me from being able to mobilize. Others were always more than welcome to come to me for warmth and encouragement, but going to others made me leave my protective circle and become vulnerable - something I'm not naturally willing to do, for fear that I'll end up burning out of control again. I've recently started pressing further into my relationship with God, which I am ashamed to say I had neglected for several weeks. Now that I have grown nearer to Him, I am beginning to long for a higher stage - I want to leave the fire pit I created myself and become a torch.

A torch carries light and warmth to a room and blazes freely, but it is by no means out of control. In fact, in order for it to move, it needs to be carried from place to place. I want to be so submitted to Christ that I am carried in His hand to wherever He desires me to be. I am not entirely giving up my heart in this; I will still be burning, still on fire. However, I want to allow Him to shape my heart and lead it where it needs to go - to reach those He desires me to reach, to spread His light and warmth and maybe even ignite other torches. I want to reach the point of such faith that even when He places my torch in a wall bracket, I will not doubt that my purpose is being fulfilled. That I will be able to trust that He is using me to light and warm the place He ordained for me, rather than fearing that I am in the open, unmoving, and helpless or useless. I want to be a torch - and I want that torch to be His.