For me...

Last night I watched The Passion of the Christ for the first time. Yeah, I know I'm a good nine years late, haha... when this movie first came out I was only thirteen years old, and my parents decided it would probably be best if their sheltered little homeschooler wasn't exposed to that much gore. Having seen it, I think that was a great decision. But now that I've grown up and been exposed to all sorts of craziness - and grown a lot closer to Jesus personally - I am SO GLAD that I made the decision to watch it last night. This isn't a plug for the movie or anything, but I have never before understood the depth of what Jesus did for us. And I still don't - but I think I'm a lot closer to getting it now. I'm a very visual, very emotionally aware sort of person; so while the Bible tells us what happened to Jesus, the matter-of-fact way the story is told and the lack of cultural relevance (not too many crucifixions happening in America's justice system) always left me feeling a little distant from the story. Cool, Jesus died for me... basically He got kicked around a little, He was nailed to a cross, hung out there for a few hours, and then gave up the ghost (literally). Right?

Not so much. Witnessing the kind of torture He actually went through had me sitting curled up, arms wrapped around knees pulled up to my chest, crying like it was A Walk To Remember and Jamie just died. And that was just at the whipping. Seeing what those kinds of whips actually do to a person's flesh, especially the cat of nine tails - watching the guards having to actually rip out chunks of his skin to get the barbs of the whip to release him - hearing his screams, but seeing him struggle to stand anyway - watching him embrace this agony, and later his cross, and knowing that it was all so that he could embrace me - it was the most painful love story I've ever seen. Yeah, it was just a movie, and that guy's name was really Jim, and the blood was all fake... but one day, it wasn't. That all actually happened.

He... the real Jesus... the actual, literal, tangible, personal son of God... really and truly went through that all of that excruciating pain and more (they didn't even show the beard ripping in the film) just because He wanted so badly to not have to watch me suffer the same fate. His love for me is so strong that He actually CHOSE to allow the guards to beat and whip His body so cruelly that He couldn't even walk upright without a struggle, let alone carry the cross all the way to Golgotha; then He allowed soldiers to nail spikes through His wrists and feet; then He chose to hang there with every inch of His body in agony for hours before it was finally finished. It should have been me. I should have been the one covered in my own blood from head to toe. I should have experienced the agony that He did... but love. Love took the pain that should have been mine. Love set me free from the curse. Love wraps His arms around me from behind and wipes away my tears with weathered, tender hands set above gaping, scarred holes in His wrists.

Now go back through that last paragraph and replace the words "I" and "me" with "you", and "my" and "mine" with "your(s)". Read it again. That's my point for today... HE LOVES YOU THAT MUCH. It's a love so great that it's humanly impossible to grasp, and yet He places that love right within your hands.

But wait... there's more! HE DIDN'T STAY DEAD!!! That moment at the end of the movie when they showed the graveclothes sinking in on themselves as their previous inhabitant slipped through them and stood back upright, fully alive, completely and perfectly whole save for the holes where the nails and the spear pierced Hiim... SO MUCH JOY!!! He is alive, and because of that, we too are alive and will be alive eternally! And furthermore, He is WITH US. Always... right here. Right now. And forever. Wow! I have no more words... except maybe the ones at the end of this song, sung from Peter's perspective:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKxD8WnSYqQ

He's alive, and I'm forgiven! Heaven's gates are open wide! He's alive, He's alive, He's ALIVE!

Take my heart...

Warning: nerd fest occurring below. Read on at peril of encountering badly explained allegories and random connections.

I like to start off my day with my Christian Pandora station; it helps me ease out of sleep (I am NOT a morning person) into a place of worship where I find myself in awe of God and desiring of His presence. This morning one of the songs which came on was "The Stand" by Hillsong. The chorus prays in wonder, "So what can I say, and what can I do, but offer this heart, oh God, completely to You?" I usually sing that line as a vague submission to His will, but this time I actually listened to the words themselves and the implication of that offering. I don't know how many of you watch the television series Once Upon A Time, but since the beginning of last semester, I haven't been able to get enough of the stories of magic that comes with a price and the notion that true love is powerful enough to break any curse. One of the most intriguing feats of magic, and a regular occurrence on this show, is the ability of anyone who can control magic to actually physically remove the heart of another person without harming them. It works on animals too; in the scene where this concept is first introduced to one of the main characters, she is instructed to take the heart from a completely wild horse (while he is immobilized by other magic, of course). She plunges her hand quickly into the animal's chest, and when she pulls it out she holds a glowing red heart in her hand. The moment the horse is released from the immobilizing spell, he stands perfectly calm beside her as though he had been tame since birth. Okay, so - point one - having someone's heart means that they will submit themselves to you... but the full impact of this didn't really hit me until it happened to a human much later in the series. (Spoiler alert - if you haven't seen Season 2 Episode 8, this is a crucial plot point.) When a villainess steals the heart of the princess Aurora, she is able to infiltrate Aurora's group of heroines long distance, using the heart as a listening device of sorts. More impressively, she speaks to the heart of the princess, and far away where the princess is walking with her friends, Aurora unknowingly speaks the words of the villainess as if they were her own. So, point two - if you have possession of someone's heart, not only do you control them, you have an intimate connection with them, and you can put words into their mouths. (And, as we see later, summon that person to you.) Finally, in one of the most crucial scenes in a later episode, that same villainess tries to take the heart of another heroine, but is unable to because her heart is protected by the true love she has for her son and the true love that her mother has for her. Point three - true love prevents hearts from being stolen.

All right, so I've rambled about one of my favorite shows and made a bunch of random points - where's the connection to morning worship? Let me show you how I allegorize (no, that's not a real word) all of these concepts... God truly loves us. He gave us a free will as human beings, so He refuses to take our hearts without our consent. (Like point three.) However, if we ask Him to take our hearts from us, we are submitting ourselves to Him (point one). As we grow closer to Him and allow Him even more control over our lives, He is able to accomplish His will through us and even speak directly through us (point two). Wow. How awesome is that? "So what can I say, and what can I do, but offer my heart, oh God, completely to You?" This then should be our ultimate goal, our primary desire - that we would give up our lives so completely to God that we become instruments of His will not by force our coercion, but because we have submitted so fully to His power. Because we have given Him our hearts.

Sleight of hand...

Since finishing Dannah Gresh's Get Lost devotional challenge, I'm moved on to another great book: Sailing Between the Stars by Stephen James. My awesome sister gave it to me for Christmas, but I hadn't started reading it until a few days ago. First of all let me just say, McDonald's slogan. Right here. About this book. Secondly, today's chapter made an interesting point about the paradox of love...

"[T]he people with the emptiest lives are those who give of themselves the least, while those with the fullest lives are the ones who are always giving themselves away. Seeing this strange aspect of love helps me understand how Jesus is able to love each of us with perfect, unfailing love.
God gives all of himself, offers the complete package of his love, to each of us and so receives, in the act of giving, even more love to extend. And then the giving begins again. Perfect love given and received, unending sacrifice. Unfailing love."

Let's just take a moment to ponder that... no matter how much love God gives to us, He still has that same amount of love for us pouring out. It's a neverending waterfall a google times deeper and wider than Angel Falls. How amazing is that? This cycle of giving love and receiving it multiplied reminded me of something else though... love isn't the only thing that cycles when placed in the hands of God. As C.S. Lewis said in his incredible novel The Screwtape Letters (which was written from the perspective of a demon and therefore refers to God as "The Enemy"):

"For we must never forget what is the most repellent and inexplicable trait in our Enemy; He really loves the hairless bipeds He has created and always gives back to them with His right hand what He has taken away with His left."

This is so true... and so crazy. I have a tendency to try to do things independently; I'm not a huge fan of group projects, and "acts of service" is the love language that speaks least to me. Often though, this means striving for things that I can't accomplish on my own, or reaching for things that I'm not yet ready for. It's a struggle for me to "let go and let God". Yet I've found that every time I do give something up to Him, He takes care of it. Like Lewis said, He always gives back with His right hand what He takes away with His left. For example, when I was fundraising for my first mission trip (in fact, pretty much for every trip since then too), I did everything I could to raise support, then freaked out when I didn't have the amount I needed. Not in a big way, just in my own thoughts and emotions... "Oh no! I'm $500 short! What am I going to do? What CAN I do? Should I send out more letters or something? Can I take out a loan from my parents? How do I fix this?" That's a short glimpse of my internal dialogue. I always came to a point, though, where I realized that the trip was NOT about me, it was about God; about doing the work that He had for us. And if He wanted me to go serve Him, He would make it happen. Once I placed the responsibility on His shoulders, the money came in; that first time, even with a little extra to spare! He waited for me to give up my fundraising worries, and then He brought in the funds. That's not the only example I have either; I was feeling neglected and abandoned a few weeks ago. I was struggling with my need for people and the tendency to put my desire for the approval of others over my desire for communion with God. I finally surrendered my need for people's approval to Him and began to focus solely on what He thinks of me and how I respond to Him - and what did He do? That very same week He rekindled an abandoned friendship, and now this dear friend talks to me every day, encourages me, sends me scripture, prays for me, etc. Once I put my relationship with God first, He sent one of the most meaningful human relationships I've had into my life.

Now, I'm not by any means telling you this as some sort of magic formula... "If you want something, give up your desire to God and He'll supply you with the real deal!" No way. God's answer to surrendered hopes isn't always "here ya go!". Often it's "be patient, you're not ready for this yet", or "no - I have a better idea". (Case in point - I'm still a single lady, haha!) My point is, don't be afraid to give up your dreams to God. So often I think we fear that if we surrender to God, He'll take away everything we like to do and make us go sit in the dirt of a foreign country next to a leprous half-naked person who smells like fresh sewage and tell them that He loves them. And who knows, maybe that is His plan for you (mostly likely not, but you never know)... but whatever He has prepared for you to do, it will be the greatest joy you could ever imagine! Surrendering to God may not get you the material things you desire, but it will ALWAYS provide you with an outpouring of peace, love, joy, and *insert the rest of the fruits of the Spirit here*. Don't be afraid to let God take your dreams. He will give you His reality in return - and that's better than anything we could ever ask for.

Throwback Thursday!

This is a post I wrote a few months ago on a private blog, but the topic has recently come up in the discussions I've been having with other friends, so I thought I'd share it with all of you too! Here you go...

"This Wednesday in chapel, the speaker (Megan Fate Marshman) shared an incredible message with us, and I just want to share part of what she said with you...

Her main illustration was that of a married couple. The wife can't just run back to her parent's home and try to stay there every day, because she's a wife - she needs to be with her husband, in his home, loving and serving him. In the same way, we are already Christians... we're no longer sinners (like she is no longer single). We can't just keep running back to sin, because that's insane... we belong with Jesus. We are already together. Another point that struck me really deeply was 'Become who you already are.' As Christians, we are the daughters and sons of God. We are princes and princesses. We are holy, pure, blessed, forgiven, adopted, wanted, chosen, loved. How many of us actually live up to that truth? How many of us actually believe it? This is your identity. Become who you already are.

That struck me on a deep level because I've been living my life up to this point trying to live up to God's standards so that I can become who He wants me to be by the time I get to Heaven. It sounds stupid written out here (probably because it is), but I never actually sat down and thought about how dumb that was. God is eternal. He sees me in all stages of my existence; and eternity is now, anyway. It doesn't start when I die. So that means that from the moment I accepted Christ, God immediately changed His viewpoint and saw me... and sees me... as a perfect, complete, holy person. Yes, I am broken. Yes, I mess up. But I am still perfect in His present, which is my soon. It's like this blog - I am writing to you from the past, but I see it as the present, because I haven't caught up to you yet.This blog has given me a whole different perspective on time, and I think it's helped me to understand God a lot better through that. He's outside of this time frame... He calls all times soon. And I am already (though not yet) perfect. Always.

My prayer for you is that you'll see yourself this way too. That you'll be able to recognize that you don't have to try to become someone whom God loves, whom God can use, who is perfect and blameless. YOU ALREADY ARE. And I hope that truth affects you as much as it did me."

The Middle of Your Heart

Sometimes lyrics speak louder than words. :) Watch this video. It says it all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1voPbg3zOCY

Texting God...

Today I was having a very in-depth conversation about God with my wonderful sister, and we both agreed that one of our biggest problems in our walk with Him is a lack of constant interaction. As much as we would love to "pray without ceasing", that's not an easy thing to do. I find myself so often spending my mornings in deep communion with Him, then rushing off to class and forgetting all about the One who is always with me for the rest of my day. I have such a hard time focusing on ANYTHING when I'm not specifically sitting and thinking about that thing only, and that's especially true when it comes to God. I want my life to be a constant conversation with Him, but I never seem to be able to accomplish it. Then my sister brought up this simple concept - "What if God texted you?"
Because I live on my college campus and I'm usually with the people I want to talk to, I never used to text anyone. Recently, though, I have reconnected with a friend of mine who lives in another state. We've begun to text each other randomly throughout the day, often with pictures of what's happening - for example, "Look at my adorable nieces and nephew!" or "This is what my view from the library front desk looks like." We'll carry on a single conversation at intervals of several minutes over the course of a few hours. Can you imagine what it would be like if God had a cell number? When my sister mentioned this, I thought about all of the things I would love to do if He did... like text Him with a question when I wasn't sure about something, or text "I love you" with cheesy love poems attached, or carry on a continuous (if delayed) dialogue just like the one I carry on with my out-of-state friend. I was thinking to myself how AWESOME that would be... and then I realized, what a doofus I am! I can do all of those things with God right now! Instead of texting Him, I have the perfect pathway for communication - not dependent upon wifi or signal strength, always available, and always free. Prayer is so much stronger a tool (and a weapon) than I think we acknowledge most of the time. It's like sending a direct message that you know He will see instantly (no waiting for Him to check His messages!). And yet I use it so little... *sigh*
In 1 Thessalonians 5, where we are told to "pray without ceasing" (verse 17), the passage continues to state that this (among other things) is "the will of God in Christ Jesus for you". God so clearly wants to be in constant connection with us. What a beautiful realization - that the king of the universe; the creator of space, time, people, color, animals, laughter, raindrops, roses, fire; the healer of broken hearts; the lover of lonely souls; desires to be a part of YOUR little life and places significance in your insignificant activities. WOW. There is nothing greater.

Patience, love...

1 Corinthians 13:4 is an extremely popular verse, and thousands of children in Sunday school have memorized it over the years... as a child I too droned quickly through the verse so as not to forget anything before I finished reciting it to my teachers. "Loveispatientloveiskind,itdoesnotenvyorboast,*gasp*..." I'm sure you can imagine it. It's been a long time since I took a longer look at the verse, but today I read it again on a dear friend's blog sidebar, and the first part of the verse jumped out to me as never before... "LOVE IS PATIENT". I've been called a patient person by several of my friends (although my mother would probably beg to differ), and I've always tried to stay calm and pleasant even when I wanted to rush full speed ahead and "sound my barbaric yawp". This verse, however, targets one area of of patience I've always had a hard time with... love. I'm a very emotionally driven girl when it comes to other people. I have a tendency to pour my heart out to those I trust, whether through words or actions, and sometimes I give a larger piece of my heart to a person than I intend to. This past week and a half of devotions has taught me that I shouldn't be giving out my heart at all; rather, I should be giving out GOD'S heart, and giving my own to Him alone. As a former homeschooler who is almost 22 years old and has never been on a single date, it's difficult sometimes (as ridiculous as it sounds) to trust that God will take care of my heart better than any friend or boy (or boyfriend) ever could, and simply be still and WAIT for Him to lead the perfect man to the waiting heart in His hands. So many times I want to run up to God and snatch my heart back so that I can give it to the person I deem most fit to hold it - how silly, when the only person truly fit to hold it is Him.
This may sound a little weird, but I had a really crazy dream last night - my first ever "wedding dream". Only, unlike the dreams of beautiful, exciting weddings that I've heard my friends speak of, mine was different - darker. I dreamed that I was proposed to by a man I was attracted to, but who really wasn't the right one for me. Out of frustration with my single state and a despairing doubt that God would ever bring me a man, I accepted. The wedding was quick and heartless, and afterward I was struck by an immense sense of loss and guilt - a sudden realization that I was now tied to this man for the entire rest of life, and that God had wanted me to marry another man - one whom He was already bringing into my life, and who would have been an exact and perfect match for me. Envision my relief when I woke to find that I wasn't married to anyone, I had no ties, and I hadn't just ruined my entire future! Whew! I don't put much stock in dreams in general, but this one felt so different from all the others... so real. I feel like God was giving me a warning and a lesson. Don't forsake His will out of a lack of patience; even if it takes far longer to do things His way, that way is perfect, and I cannot choose a better one for myself. Also, stop fighting the wait. The feeling of entrapment that I experienced in the dream once I realized I was suddenly bound to my husband's goals and desires and plans was a terrifying and enlightening wake-up call. Even though it's hard to be the third wheel - or, more often, the lone wheel - as a young adult, being single is a gift, and I so often forget to treat it like one. I'm not saying that marriage is a bad thing at all - don't get me wrong, I do look forward to being joined to my husband's life! But I learned last night how wholly unprepared I am for that at the present moment. I still have a lot of growing - and just as importantly, a lot of serving - to do before I am ready. This all leads back to the poignant first phrase of 1 Cor. 13:4... Love is patient.

Lord, let my love be patient, not rushing ahead of Your will to pour itself upon another. Let me serve you in the interim without the wandering tug of a needy heart. This is my desire - to love the Lord my God with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength; then to love my neighbor as myself. Give me the strength to place my heart fully in Your hands - and to leave it there, not taking it back for any reason whatsoever. I submit my heart to You. Let my love be patient.

Shining...

For the past several days, I have been learning how to go deeper into the presence and desires of God through a book called Get Lost by Dannah Gresh. One part of this book includes a ten-day challenge, with each day offering a new aspect of getting lost in God and surrendering to His desires and plans for your life. Today I completed the ten days with a challenge to share His proposal with others; to share His love and invite others to become a part of it. One part of this chapter struck me more than any other -

            "Sometimes we should not attempt to bring someone to the cross in forceful conversation but should simply leave behind the fragrance of love. Dietrich Bonhoeffer pointed out, 'Jesus himself did not try to convert the two thieves on the cross; he waited until one of them turned to him.' The famous evangelist D.L. Moody once said, 'Lighthouses don't fire cannons to call attention to their shining - they just shine.' Today your action point is to consider how well your light is shining. In romantic terms, you get to illuminate God's proposal of marriage to a lost world. He is collecting the Bride of Christ, and you and I get to help. What care should be taken with such a proposal! Is your life overflowing with the joy of being utterly in love with God?"

Especially poignant to me was the quote by Moody. Let me say it for you again - "Lighthouses don't fire cannons to call attention to their shining - they just shine." Or, if you want to hear it in terms of this blog, "Torches don't turn into flamethrowers to alert people to their glow." Or, "Rain doesn't force itself down people's throats and drown them to let them know it's falling." I'm not saying that there isn't a time or place for intense, pointed evangelism. If that's the direction the Holy Spirit leads in a particular situation or conversation, then that's where we should take it. Yet so often I feel like arguing people into the kingdom becomes our default. So often we overlook 1 Corinthians 13 - without love, our words mean nothing. Really, how often are our debates with non-believers motivated by love (rather than a desire to prove ourselves - or even more ridiculously, God - right)? This is part of what drove the philosopher Kierkegaard from the Danish church. He saw the hypocrisy of trying to force people into the kingdom of love with facts and proofs. Rather, he believed that we should forget all of the "reasons" to believe in Christ - especially since, as he points out, we believe in an entirely UNreasonable faith - and instead draw near to God with passion and unwavering, subjective, heart-filled FAITH. Our love for God and trust in Him should be of such great magnitude that others will recognize the difference in us. I am not yet at that stage, but that is my desire - to be so inseparable from God that others cannot look at me without seeing Him. That should be our aim. To love Him so deeply that we cannot help loving the people He cares so much for, and that the power of that love would draw others to Him. To love, period.  

A Torch...

First of all, I want to take a look at my role in the element of fire. It's a late night and I have to rise early, so I'll focus on my current idea and expand on the definition of fire in later posts. This is the element (or personality description) that I feel fits me best, and if I look back over my life, I can see a pattern that I think applies spiritually.

If I am a flame, then for many years I was a wildfire. Not outwardly; I don't think any of my friends past or present would exactly call me a wild child or reckless or all-consuming. But it's not what I show people that really makes a difference - it's what happens inside my heart. My heart and my mind were left so unguarded that I allowed my emotions to control me - friends in late high school and early college can probably tell you about my terrible mood swings, and how I would go from being a cheery person one day to being incurably depressed for the next week. Maybe it was hormone fluctuation, maybe I just gave my heart too much reign, but my emotions were out of control. I managed (for the most part, I think) to keep the flames away from the people I loved, but in doing so I usually ended up burning myself; and every day when the fire had consumed me, all that was left was a hollow shell worth nothing more than whatever treasures survived buried somewhere in the ashes.

Somewhere between my freshman and sophomore year of college I finally figured out the whole self-talk/self-monitoring process that involves watching how you respond to situations (mentally as well as otherwise), and how important you make things out to be (yay psych classes!). Combined with the realization that this life is fleeting and little if any of the "disasters" that come my way will matter in the rest of eternity, I began to be able to control myself better and keep an eye on my feelings. I like to think of this as the "fire pit" stage; I hemmed myself in with intellectual rocks that kept me from burning out of control, but I am just now beginning to learn that this also kept me from being able to mobilize. Others were always more than welcome to come to me for warmth and encouragement, but going to others made me leave my protective circle and become vulnerable - something I'm not naturally willing to do, for fear that I'll end up burning out of control again. I've recently started pressing further into my relationship with God, which I am ashamed to say I had neglected for several weeks. Now that I have grown nearer to Him, I am beginning to long for a higher stage - I want to leave the fire pit I created myself and become a torch.

A torch carries light and warmth to a room and blazes freely, but it is by no means out of control. In fact, in order for it to move, it needs to be carried from place to place. I want to be so submitted to Christ that I am carried in His hand to wherever He desires me to be. I am not entirely giving up my heart in this; I will still be burning, still on fire. However, I want to allow Him to shape my heart and lead it where it needs to go - to reach those He desires me to reach, to spread His light and warmth and maybe even ignite other torches. I want to reach the point of such faith that even when He places my torch in a wall bracket, I will not doubt that my purpose is being fulfilled. That I will be able to trust that He is using me to light and warm the place He ordained for me, rather than fearing that I am in the open, unmoving, and helpless or useless. I want to be a torch - and I want that torch to be His.

Elemental Beginnings...

A friend of mine who is interested in the less tangible side of life recently introduced me to the concept of the elements; that each person's temperament and personality can be defined as one (or more) of four basic categories, which are assigned an element of this world - Earth, Fire, Air, or Water. I'm definitely not into the mystical side of this belief, but as a psychology major I do believe in the ideas of personality and temperament, and I am extremely interested in the way that people can be categorized based on their temperamental makeup. Therefore, I took a few tests online to see what "element" I would be defined as, and my top results all indicated that I am a mixture of "fire" and "water". (My friend had predicted fire, but he wasn't surprised to see the combination, conflicting though it is!) I've listed the definitions of these two elements below so that you as the reader can get a better understanding of what this indicates in my personality:

Fire in its physical appearance can do what the sun itself does for the whole world- it provides light and warmth and can serve as a heat source to cook upon. Fire is also an impulsive and dangerous element that can smolder and suddenly burst. Fire can give wings of courage, compassion, and devotion. Fire is obstinate and heady and absolutely not subtle. It is seen as the force burning inside us, giving us an iron willpower to go for our goals, bestowing upon us the passion to do it with all of ourselves, resulting in the honor and freedom to do it without backstabbing and with an open face.

Water gives us adaptability and willpower. It is the element of winter, giving us time to pause and gather strength. It is the seedbed of all life.

After a bit of pondering, I would say that I believe these definitions fit me rather well; though not always in the way you might think. I plan on discussing that further in later posts. I've attempted to blog before and utterly failed, usually because I had a lack of focus or purpose. Hence, I'm trying again with this beginning theme of fire and water; it doesn't necessarily have to keep to that theme, but it gives me a place to start and something to work off of. Of course, it's also late at night and I might just be a little crazy right now; we'll see as time goes on. This may be nothing more than another fluke blog that flops after a week and ends up getting deleted. But maybe... maybe this time it can be something more. That remains to be seen. :)