Non-Acrophobic Mercy

Hello, my name is Trish, and I am a recovering acrophobic. 

(Hi, Trish.)

Today - well, actually for the past four days - I climbed up a 22' scaffold, stood on a platform there for three hours, then climbed down without incident. 

(Polite applause.)

I will be continuing this routine for the next two days, taking a break, and doing it ten or eleven times after that throughout the next month. Thank you. 

(More polite applause as I sit.)

There may not be a real Acrophobics Anonymous (fear of heights, for those who don't know), but my current height-encountering sessions make for pretty good immersive therapy! See, a while back I agreed to run a spotlight for this show my roommate is stage managing for (CCT's Les Miserables), and THEN she told me that I wouldn't be in a nice little balcony to do it... nope. This show is taking place in the Mt. Helix amphitheater, and it wasn't until move-in that I discovered that I would be twenty-two feet in the air every night. Now, I'm the kind of person who freaks out going up ladders. Two years ago, going up in a cable car had me white-knuckled and breathing heavily. (For more examples, see my previous post entitled "Trust Fall".) I've been working on overcoming this fear gradually, but this spotlight gig has been the ultimate test of my trust in God, human architecture, and steel cables. I'm usually okay with the height once I've been up on the tower for a couple minutes, but climbing up every evening is probably one of the scariest things I've ever done. The first few times, we didn't even have safety cables on the way up and down! We had to clip our harnesses in once we got to the top and unhook them before we climbed down! As of last night, we can now go all the way to the ground with our new (and longer) fall cables (YAY!), so it's a little less scary to make the climb. Still though, every time I get halfway up, my muscles start tensing like nobody's business and I have to really concentrate in order to force myself to climb the last few rungs without panicking. Tonight when I got back from the show (opening night was tonight!), I went on Facebook and a friend of mine had posted this verse as her status:

"He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:10-12

What an amazing verse! Of course, it's always been great, but this part especially stood out to me in light of my circumstances: "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him". Do you know how high the heavens are above the earth? I have no idea what the exact distance is, but I can tell that it is a freakin' HUGE gap. Twenty-two feet off the ground feels like a mile when you look down over the edge, but when you look up you realize the sky really hasn't gotten any closer. To think of how many feet up the sky is melts my brain a little. And to think that the ENTIRE space between down here on earth and up there in heaven is comparative to the depth of God's MERCY... wow. That's a whole lot of grace right there. Seriously, think of the highest place you've ever stood, think of how far away the sky was, and imagine God's mercy filling that whole space. Absolutely incredible. 

That's basically it for this post. Just revel in that incredible depth. 

Below is a shot of the show taken from near the top of the amphitheater! My tower is that little platform at the very top right of both pictures. If you look closely at it in the lower image, you can barely see my silhouette to the left of the brightly lit music stand (which is holding my light cues)! #CCTLesMis

Sinking about...

Okay, first of all, you need to watch this video. The rest of the post won't make sense without it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmOTpIVxji8

I never get over how funny that is! Mostly because when VISION went to France in May, we had a German translator for half the trip, and sometimes our languages got a little jumbled. Aside from the funnies though, in all seriousness, this touches on some pretty deep stuff if you have a philosophical brain (thanks for that, Fred!) and an affinity for language. Let's go back to the phrase that cracks everyone up... "What are you... sinking... about?" Obviously, the humor lies in the fact that "sinking" and "thinking" are indistinguishable to this poor German kid. When you think about it though, how often is that true in our lives? How many times does our (as my old Psych prof used to call it) "stinkin' thinkin'" lead to the literal sinking of our emotions, our attitudes, and even our spiritual lives? According to the Bible, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22 ESV)" Therefore we are told to "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. (Colossians 3:2 ESV)" The only way to get rid of the thoughts that bring us down is to turn to God and align our thought pattern with His. Or, as it says in Romans 12:2, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (ESV)" That transformation can only come through Christ. At the same time, though, it is our duty to allow ourselves to be transformed, and to purposely change our own stinkin' thinkin' to become more like Jesus. "Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1:13 ESV)" We must prepare our minds, but it is is setting our hope on God's grace that allows us to carry on. I urge you, keep watch over your thoughts today. When your mind starts to wander, make sure it's only wandering up. And, as Paul said so well in Philippians 4:8,

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (ESV)"

So... what are YOU sinking about? 

Mudslide

I have a really bad habit of pushing away from God when I am at my worst. Whenever I sin, I always feel like I just rolled around in a big mud puddle and don't want to stain God's nice clean white carpets by entering His presence. And even when I hose off in the backyard first (repentance), I always feel like I've still got some mud on my shoes that I might track in. I figure I should walk around a little bit first, let the mud dry, then track through the grass a few times to try to brush any remaining dirt off... and then MAYBE I'll be okay to hang out with God again. Of course, then I'll look all funny because I was muddy, then drenched, then sun-dried... maybe I should just wait it out for a while longer until I feel like I'm really good to go. Y'know? Unless I trip in another mud puddle before then...

Do you ever get this way with God? When, even after repenting of sin, you still feel like a scumbag and try to avoid His gentle presence so you don't somehow taint His reputation? That's my go-to MO, and you may have noticed that I've posted on this MULTIPLE times already. It never really seems to sink in, though - or rather, it'll sink in for about a week, and then it falls out of the back of my brain somewhere. I found this passage interesting though, and I think you should take a look...

(God talking:) "'Because of the iniquity of his unjust gain I was angry, I struck him; I hid my face and was angry, but he went on backsliding in the way of his own heart. I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will lead him and restore comfort to him and his mourners, creating the fruit of the lips. Peace, peace, to the far and to the near,' says the Lord, 'and I will heal him.' (Isaiah 57:17-19, ESV)"

Look at that one glorious phrase right there in the middle... "I have seen his ways, but I will heal him." Despite the iniquity and backsliding mentioned in the beginning of the passage, God relents from his anger and "restores comfort", bringing peace and healing. What a relief to those who are backsliding! Despite our faults and failures, He still loves us and desires to restore us. I really have no words of wisdom for this post... just the image of a pure, perfect God shaking His head at a mud-covered lil' rapscallion and bear hugging the heck out him or her despite the filth. I don't understand it, so stop listening to me and just go read that passage again...

"'Because of the iniquity of his unjust gain I was angry, I struck him; I hid my face and was angry, but he went on backsliding in the way of his own heart. I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will lead him and restore comfort to him and his mourners, creating the fruit of the lips. Peace, peace, to the far and to the near,' says the Lord, 'and I will heal him.' (Isaiah 57:17-19, ESV)"

Be at peace. 

Drum roll please...

For those of you who read my blog about my recent mission trip to France (trishasfrancetrip.blogspot.com), you may recall that I posted a teaser at the end of my last post about finding out more about my next adventure soon... and I am happy to say, the time has finally come to reveal what that adventure is!!! If any of you are my Facebook friends or have seen me in person recently, this is old news, and I'm sorry it's not more exciting... but for anyone who doesn't know, I recently received an email informing me that I have been accepted onto the Rancho Sordo Mundo (RSM) staff for this upcoming year!!! Yes, this is the same place that I ranted about in the last two posts. I am going to be a missionary there for the next two years, minimum, starting in September! :D There's my big announcement! Now for some frequently asked questions...

Q: When do you leave for Mexico?
A: August 30th

Q: Where exactly is this place?
A: It's near Ensenada, in the Guadalupe Valley. There are lots of vineyards surrounding the ranch, so it's one of the more upper class areas of Mexico (i.e. perfectly safe).

Q: Do you need to pay for rent or anything?
A: YES. As this is a missionary gig, I'm going to be relying on donors for my upkeep. It costs about $450 dollars a month for room and board, internet/phone/PO Box use, etc.

Q: Can I support you?
A: Yes please! Of course, prayer is my primary request. If you would put Rancho Sordo Mundo and myself on your prayer list, that would be fantastic. If you can though, financial support would also really help. Any donations to support me can be send to the address below. Checks are the best way to send me support (so we can keep track easier), and all donations should be made out to Berea Baptist Mission. (And hey, if ninety of you donate only $5 a month, my expenses should be covered!)

Janet Grobstein

PO Box 340
Tecate, CA 91980

Q: How long will you be there? 

A: The position requires a minimum of two years. If God wants me to stay for longer, that's cool too... we'll see what He says when the time comes. :) As it is a school, I will be living and working at the ranch from September to early June, but I should be home for the summer months. 

Q: How many/how old/from where/what kind of kids are there?

A: There are typically 30-40 students between the ages of 5 and 18. All except for the few staff's children are either deaf or hard of hearing. As there are very few resources in Mexico for the deaf, many children come from all the way across the country to attend RSM. 

Q: What will you be doing?

A: My official position is assistant teacher. I will be living in the girls' dorm during the first semester for sign language immersion purposes. Also, one of the staff directors there mentioned the possibility of my either helping with or heading up a sort of drama club, so that the kids could learn pantomime dramas like the Lifehouse "Everything" skit! 

Q: Do you already know sign language?

A: Nope! I know a few words and phrases in ASL, but not nearly enough to hold a conversation. In addition, the children there are using Mexican Sign Language, so it's completely different from whatever I learned in the past. I have been studying MSL training videos though, so I do know several signs by now. The rest I will learn simply by being around the kids full time. 

Q: Do you know Spanish?

A: Yup! I'm not totally fluent, but I can converse with very little difficulty. I took four years of Spanish in high school, including an honors course, and I got to brush up on my skills during VISION's trip to Spain last year. Regardless, all of the staff speak English, so it won't really be necessary in everyday life. Although they did mention possibly sending me to a local youth group to increase my fluency... :)

Q: Will I be able to contact you while you're in Mexico?

Yes! I will still have internet (although I've been told that it's agonizingly slow), or you can send mail to the PO Box listed earlier. I will also be posting about my adventures occasionally, either on here or on a new blog which I may or may not create specifically about RSM. Haven't decided on that yet, but I will let you know when the time comes. 

Q: Where can I learn more about RSM?

A: Click HERE to go to their official website! You can also read about the adventures of one of the current staff members at jasonatrancho.blogspot.com. 

Q: What if I have a question that you haven't addressed?

A: Please post any questions or comments below! I would be more than happy to answer any questions you have. :D

Thanks so much for reading! And I'm really sorry it's been so long in between postings, haha. I'll try to update more often... no, really, I already have one post in the works! So, tune in next time for a word on mercy! And remember, God made you special and He loves you very much. :)

Rancho Sordo Mundo - the long version (no, really - I basically wrote you a novel)

For those of you who were unaware, I spent last Sunday afternoon through Thursday evening at Rancho Sordo Mundo (RSM), a free home and school for deaf children in the Guadalupe Valley (near Ensenada). I went there as a group of seventeen from my college to do short-term missions work. A lot happened in five days, so I'm going to split everything up... it may seem kind of choppy, so bear with me. :)

My schedule:

• Sunday - Arrive right before lunch, eat with the kids/staff. Play soccer after lunch for an hour and a half. Settle into our two (boy and girl) cabins. Eat dinner (again with kids/staff; all meals were). Play outside for an hour or so, until the kids had to go to bed. Team meeting. Campfire at fire pit outside our cabins. Sleep.
• Monday - Breakfast at 7:30. Staff devos at 8. Work until snack break at 11, keep working until lunch at 1:30. Go back to work until 5:30, clean up, eat dinner at 6. Play with the kids for a hour, team meeting, taco run, campfire, bed.
• Tuesday - Breakfast at 7:30. Leave for Tecate at 8. Work (with snack and lunch breaks thrown in) until around 4:30. Clean up, grab helado at a local shop, head back to RSM. Eat dinner at 6, play with the kids for an hour, team meeting, campfire, bed.
• Wednesday - same as Monday, except add a viewing of RSM's origin story after playtime, nix the taco run, and make the campfire until 1am (it usually ended around 10 or 11).
• Thursday: Pack, breakfast at 7:30, say goodbye to all the kids, staff devos at 8:30ish, load up the trailer, visit the store, say goodbye to all the staff, head back to America.

What I did there:

     For now, I'm gonna leave out the part about the kids - that comes later. The work we actually did split us up into three groups - kitchen workers, brush clearers, and the one I was part of: house building! Two of RSM's staff members had recently had a baby, and they are in process of adopting one of the deaf kiddos, so they needed a bigger house. It was mostly built by the time we got there, but some rooms still needed drywall put up (which a bunch of our boys did), and all of the seams needed to be taped, then those and the screws mudded over (along with a couple other people, that was my job!). That was Monday and Wednesday's work, and it also continued on Tuesday for most of our group. For me, I volunteered to split off into a group of six just for Tuesday and go to the Tecate Bible Institute. There was supposed to be another group from our school going there during the time we were at RSM, but they couldn't find enough volunteers. Therefore, we six took a day trip out there to take off a roof. They are expanding their women's dorms into two stories, so we got to remove rafters and put boards on top of the de-roofed building to use as a base for the second story. Very exciting stuff for an acrophobic! I am definitely getting better at handling heights like a normal human being! :D 

The children and staff:

     Words cannot even describe how much I am in love with all these people. Every meal and playtime was spent in constant conversation with them. We were each allowed to choose what table we sat at every meal. Boys and girls sat at separate tables, but the seating arrangement at those tables seemed self-assigned. This meant that even though I sat at one table for the most part, I still got some rotation among the kids. There was usually a staff member at each table to translate for us, although there were a couple of meals at which Karla (one of my teammates) and I had to fend for ourselves. Some of the kids/staff I got to know better than others, and some I didn't meet at all. Let's start with the adults:

• Ruben - staff. Sweet guy who led the brush-clearing team and stopped in to check on our drywall team from time to time.
• Doug and Peggy - staff. Doug helped with our team a lot, while Peggy seemed to be running things in a different area.
• Howard and Janet Grobstein - staff. These two are in charge of the internship program, which I will bring up later. Both have come to my school on multiple occasions to talk about RSM, so they're the ones I knew best. Janet is a go-getter, with more energy and focus than most people I've met. Howard is very laid-back and sweet, and super intentional about getting to know people; especially prospective interns!
• Micaela (mick-aye-AY-lah)- staff. Fantastic girl! Probably somewhere around my age, daughter of Ruben.
• Alisha - staff. She was only there for a couple of days (having been on a trip when we first got there), so I didn't get to know her well. She seemed nice though! 
• Jason - staff. He was an intern two years ago, and he's been staff ever since! It was really weird meeting him, because I've been following his blog (jasonatrancho.blogspot.com) since he was an intern, but never actually met him until now. 
• Drew - current intern. Also has a blog (mexiventure.blogspot.com), and is really friendly and funny! Also, as he stand 6'3" tall, kind of a jerk when it comes to basketball. :P 
• Katie - staff. She interpreted for the table I sat at during most meals. Super sweet and friendly, very animated, and loved interacting with everyone around her, volunteer/kids/staff alike! She was a huge help to us at meal times. I loved that she always signed while she was talking and as we talked, while some of the other staff only signed when interpreting between us and the kids. Even if no deaf kids were paying attention to her, she would still sign as she talked with us or other staff members. It was so cool how she made sure no one would be left out of any conversation! 
• David (dah-VEED) - staff. He used to attend RSM as a student, but after his graduation he decided to stay on and teach other kids! He loved to mess around with our group and make jokes (which was impressive given the fact that we aren't fluent signers and he is deaf/mute), but he was also really helpful with translating for us, especially during playtime. If there was a sign we didn't understand, he would break it down into "baby talk" (super slow/deliberate) sign, or add together other signs that he knew we understood, or pantomime things for us until we got it. He was very patient with both us and the slower kids.

Now for the kids themselves! In order of when I met them...

• Fernando - mid teens. I didn't get to interact with him much, but he chose me for his soccer team the first day. Seemed like a really nice kid.
• Yahir- age 6. This spunky little guy was the poster child for adorable trouble maker. He would tease the other kids, wrestle with his buddy Alexis over who got to play with the frisbee/ball/flashlight/anything in sight, try to attract attention whenever possible, but was still super cute and funny while doing it!
• Mariam - late teens. Very confident and gave off a strong don't-mess-with-me vibe, but very nice at the same time. Sort of looked out for the younger kids from time to time.
• Leticia (le-TEE-see-ah)- I think 14 or 15. Shy girl with a sweet smile, constantly adjusting her glasses in a nervous sort of way. Wanted to find out everything she could about us (age, birthday, city of origin, favorite color/animal/food/movie, number of siblings, etc.), and absolutely loved giving out sign names! Probably about half the girls on our team got their names from her, including me. Make a sign language "T" with one hand and tap it against your chin - that means me! (Me as in Trish, not the word "me". Just to clarify. And it doesn't work for any Trish - just me.)
• Alexis (ah-lex-EES) - age 7. Sweet and extremely focused, this little fella loved to learn! When playing frisbee with him and Yaris the first night, I showed off a little by throwing the frisbee to him from behind my back. He immediately tried it, failed, and pantomimed me showing him how. I taught him the technique through a slow demonstration, and he practiced over and over until he got really good at it! The next night I showed the boys some shadow puppets under an overhead light near the basketball court, and he instantly tried to copy the rabbit I was making. He spent probably fifteen or twenty minutes with me trying to perfect it (he got pretty close near the end), and he would have kept on trying if I hadn't excused myself to play basketball with the others. The next night, as soon as I stepped out after dinner, he took my arm and dragged me over to the light again, haha! Very determined kid. 
• Karen (kah-REN) - 12 years old, had been at RSM since age 5. This girl was invaluable in our communication at her table, especially on days when we didn't have a translator with us! Not only was she fluent in LSM, but she could also read and write Spanish! As Karla is a fluent Spanish speaker and I'm fairly good at it, this made for easy communication when Karen was around, as we could write to her in a notebook I carried with me. Easy-going, very bright, and always smiling, she loved to teach us new signs and help us communicate with the others.
• Isabel - early teens. I think she's Leticia's sister, but I'm not sure. Very quiet girl, never interacted much in our conversations. She seemed to like watching us though.
• Celeste - probably around 12ish. She was seriously the sassiest kid I have ever met! She and Yahir would have lots of amusing little mock arguments about which one of them was crazy, and she loved to make sarcastic faces and flounce off, all in good fun. Spunky little personality! Oh, and she loves giraffes. 
• Lesly - age 14. She only came to the ranch a year ago, so she's still working on more basic stuff; Katie said she's at about a first or second grade level. Very sweet girl. Loved to take Karla and me by the arm and lead us off on adventures. Hugged us goodbye when we left and made us write down our names so she could remember us. *sniffle*
• Orlando - age 14. He too only arrived last year. Likes to be the "class clown" of the playground. Didn't talk with him much, but he was always fun to watch.
• Axel - mid teens. I only spoke with him on our last night there, but he was a neat kid. A little bit shy (David had to encourage him to ask me things), but he spoke enough Spanish that we could type to each other on my ipod. His favorite food is tacos. :)

The Internship Progam:

     Every year at the start of the spring semester, the ranch takes on an intern for four months. They tailor a program specifically for the intern's abilities and future goals in which they teach them the language both through specific language classes and through the full immersion they get by living at RSM, teach them about deaf ministry and missions both in Mexico and in general, etc. As I mentioned before, Howard and Janet have come to my school a couple of times. Two years ago they hosted a "breakout session" at our missions conference and told everyone about the ranch. I loved the concept and thought that it was an awesome ministry, but I had no desire to become a part of it. I definitely thought it was a calling made for someone else, and while I supported it, there was no further interest on my part. When they came last year, I went to their session again just to hear updates and to see them; they were such cool people, I couldn't resist a second exposure! This time though, something different happened. When they brought up the internship, it suddenly seemed like everything I had been looking for. While I protested that Mexico was a far cry from the rainy, cool climate of Oregon (where I wanted to move after graduation) and argued that I knew nothing about their culture or how to deal with deaf kids, God kept putting it on my heart and wouldn't let me stop thinking about it. After some prayer and a lot more arguing, I conceded that, if this was what He wanted for me, I would do it. I tried to get on a short-term trip with the school to check the place out a couple of times, but due to conflicts I was unable to make it until this Spring Break. I was nervous about going on the trip, worried that it wouldn't be compatible with me, and that God didn't really have that internship on my to-do list like I thought He did. FALSE. This was the best experience I've ever had with missions (and believe me, some of my VISION trips have been pretty stinkin' fantastic). From the staff, to the kids, to the place (yes it is hot and sunny, but at least it's a dry heat... and it's gorgeous there!), to the program, I am absolutely in love with it all. Interning is definitely a thing I'm pursuing. I already have a sort of "in", as last year I took their dvd of signs (which were only split by starting letter, not by individual words), broke up each sign into its own video file, and uploaded the videos to a Youtube site they provided. When meeting me again at RSM, Janet told my group leader that I saved them hours of work, as they are now designing a sign-teaching website where they will upload the files I split for them! Many conversations with Howard and Janet over this trip definitely confirmed that they want me and are excited about my coming - when discussing crafting a program for me, Howard even discussed my coming on as staff after! And they've only known me for a week if you combine all the days I've been around them in both countries! When I mentioned my desire to intern to Katie and Alisha, they were thrilled because they've had four interns up to now, but never a girl intern before! Haha. :) 

I got homesick for RSM the minute I crossed the border, and I haven't stopped dreaming about it or things related to it since the night I returned to America. Graduation from college is in less than two months, and after that I have the VISION trip. Then the applications for internship come out, then waiting for acceptance, and (if God wills and I receive the internship) then seven months of waiting until I can finally return to Mexico. Prayers for patience and direction would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading! :)

Any thoughts or questions? Comment below!

From left to right: Lesly, Celeste, me, and Karen

Rancho Sordo Mundo - the abbreviated version.

Things I love about America:

• I can drink water anywhere, anytime, as much as I want.
• I never have to wonder whether water will come out of the sink when I turn it on to wash my hands or brush my teeth, and I will never be stuck mid-shower with no way to rinse off (thankfully that didn't happen to me, but there were a couple of incidents in which it happened to some of the girls on our team). 
• Toilet paper can actually go in the toilet.
• Wifi.

Things I hate about America:

• No Rancho Sordo Mundo  (RSM) students.
• No RSM staff.
• No one to practice and learn LSM (Lengua Señal Mexicana) with.
• No awesome work projects every day through which I can serve God's people (and get a great workout at the same time, haha).
• No prayers passionately signed by grateful children before each meal.
• No playtime after dinner with a bunch of adorable, friendly little ones. 
• No pantomimed/written down in Spanish/awkwardly signed conversations with hilarious kids who love teaching you their language.
• No being addressed by my sign name (which, in case you were wondering, is a sign language "t" tapped on your chin)
• No "good night" and "good morning" and "how are you?" and "where did you work today?" and "why do you look tired?" and "do you like the food?" and "what's your name/how old are you/where are you from/what's your favorite ___?" at every meal.
• No sweet hugs from girls who are so eager to get to know you and love on you as much as possible, even though you're only staying for a few days.
• No RSM. All of it.

Stupid America. 

Trust fall!

I can't remember exactly when I first encountered the concept of the "trust fall", but the first time I ever actively experienced one was during my school's "Physics Phun Day" at Magic Mountain. Our bus pulled into the Six Flags parking lot, we all got out and divided ourselves into groups for the day as instructed; but before we were allowed to enter the park, they told each group to form a circle with one person in the middle. And thus the trust falls began. The middle person crossed his arms over his chest and fell backward toward whomever was behind him in the circle, and they caught his fall and returned him to his feet. Here's an illustrative photo in case you're not familiar with the concept:

Everyone in the circle had to be in the middle at some point, so I did get my turn in there... but you wanna know a secret? Shh... don't tell my high school ASB leaders. Or that youth group I went to winter camp with one time. Or my student ministry team at college. My dirty little secret is... I have NEVER actually completed a trust fall. Ever. Oh sure, I get in the middle of the circle, cross my arms over my chest, and my body tilts back toward the ground... but I have a really good sense of balance. As long as my feet are firmly planted, I can lean back pretty far without ever actually falling. And as tight as most trust fall circles are, that means I never actually have to trust anyone or fall to look like I've done the deed. Why is it that I don't let go and fall back like everyone else? I'll tell you why - because my worst fear is falling. I can have all of the confidence in the world in the people surrounding me, I can have total assurance and knowledge that there is no way they would ever drop me or let me fall, but when I even consider actually falling (even just for the second it takes to reach their hands), my body freaks out. All my muscles tense, my breathing gets a little faster, my heart rate speeds up, my stomach clenches... basically all of the bad feelings at once. My mind is completely convinced that nothing bad will happen to me, but my body doesn't agree. So I put an apprehensive expression on my face like the others had, secretly plant my feet, and tip myself back until I reach their hands. Yay! Trust fall completed! Ha... ha... yeah. *shifty eyes*

Within my teams, faking a trust fall isn't that big of a deal. I mean, my leaders would probably be a bit put out if they knew I wasn't all in, but it doesn't actually affect my performance within the group. I can still trust everyone fully without having fallen on them. But with God it's a bit of a different story. I've been rereading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and the one thing the author keeps pointing back to is the way that God requires ALL of our trust, devotion, resources, etc. in order for us to fully display His glory, and for Him to fully bless us in return. So often though, I play the trust fall game with God. "I know You want me to give of my finances, so here's my ten percent - see, I'm tithing! That takes trust, right?" Or "I know You want me to love people, so I'll be nice to them and treat them well; because real love means I could get hurt, but this looks enough like love to satisfy You, right?" Or even "I know You're calling me to this ministry after I graduate college, but just in case that doesn't work out, I'm gonna figure out what else I could do if that falls through. It doesn't hurt to have a backup plan, right?" But in Hebrews 11:6, the author insists, "And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." I know I fail utterly at the whole faith thing the majority of the time, and I'm sure many of you do too. My desire for this year is to become more dependent of God, and that means putting more faith in Him, and allowing Him to lead me wherever He wants me to go. Even if it ends up being someplace scary. And that means taking the trust fall seriously. Let's fall for God in action as we have fallen for Him in our hearts. Ready... set... TRUST FALL! 

Don't Open - Dead Inside

If any of you recognized the title of this post, it's pretty safe to say that you've already become at least partially involved in the "zombie culture" as a member of the Walking Dead fanbase. I don't know exactly how or when, but our culture has quickly become obsessed with the idea of fighting the undead, post-apocalyptic survival, and heroic humanity prevailing in the midst of inhuman danger. From the popularity of the television show "The Walking Dead", to movies like "Warm Bodies", "World War Z", "Zombieland", "I Am Legend", etc., to popular zombie fiction, to the rise of survival guides (UCI even offered a free zombie apocalypse survival course online last semester), it is clear that zombies are becoming a trend to be reckoned with. I must admit that I, too, have become a part of the system - yes, I am a Walking Dead fan, I took a couple modules of that UCI course (before my real school became too demanding for me to continue), I love a good zombie movie, and I have even begun calling my daily workouts "Zombie Apocalypse Preparation Sessions" (or ZAPS) for motivational purposes. For those of you who are fellow zombie apocalypse fans, I'm sure you understand my addiction. To those of you who will have nothing to do with zombies, however, stay with me... there is an important application here! I'm not just bringing it up for the fun of it (although it is fun, haha). ;) The reason I mention this recent trend is to inform you that (speaking to Christ followers here), WE ARE ALL ZOMBIE SLAYERS. How awesome is that?!? Okay, before I get too excited here, let me explain so that you can be excited too. :) 

The concept was first introduced to me by Fred, my incredible philosophy professor, and it goes a little something like this: "Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. (Romans 6:3-4, ESV)" So the "old man", or the sinners we were before Jesus, is technically considered to be "dead". This is confirmed a few verses down... "So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. (Romans 6:11, ESV)" The old part of us is dead, and the "new man", or who we are after being raised in Christ, is alive! The problem comes into play when the old man tries to rise up again. That which is dead tries to get up and start walking again - tries to take control of your life. But through the power of God, we must put to death the old man and live in the newness of life which Christ offers! What does this look like exactly? The following passage explains this concept perfectly...

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. (Colossians 3:1-10, ESV) [emphasis added]

See? We're zombie slayers. So. Much. Awesome. If you embrace the ritualistic preparation for your future (and, fortunately, fictional) days of "zombie slaying" like I do, let's get just as amped to slay the actual, literal zombie in our lives - our old, sinful selves! When temptation comes your way, don't think of how nice it would be to give in to it just this once, or to just indulge a little bit before backing off... start thinking, IT'S A ZOMBIE! KILL IT!!! And then do so. :) That is my exhortation for the day, brothers and sisters. Don't get bit. Destroy them walkers. And have an awesome zombie-slaying day! 

ALWAYS

Remember at the end of my last post how I mentioned that, looking back on my DNotS, and looking forward from there, I realized that God's love would never change and that He would always be there for me? As soon as that happened, I started to realize a similar theme in some of my favorite fictional love stories (or love shipping, in the case of Lily/Snape). I noticed the same word popping up in all of their most tender moments...

(click to enlarge)

Prince Charming, Westley, and Severus Snape all say that one word with such passionate love that I (and I'm sure other girls everywhere) just want to melt into a little puddle of gratified tears. It's moments like those in which the hero proves to his heroine without a shadow of a doubt that NOTHING in the universe could stop him from being with her, even if it could only be in spirit. And nothing could ever keep him from loving her with ALL of his heart and soul, no matter what circumstance lay between them. Snow White and Prince Charming had no idea who they were when the evil queen cursed them - but no matter what, he ALWAYS found her. Buttercup thought that Westley was dead upon multiple occasions - but despite the distance between them (and even being mostly dead that one time), he ALWAYS came for her. Lily died before she and Severus could be reconciled - but even after her death, he ALWAYS loved her. That one word draws out the deepest longing in all of our hearts... to be loved eternally, unconditionally, fully. Sometimes it seems like an impossible dream, that none of us could ever deserve or obtain that level of love; or if even if we did find that love for a moment, surely that powerful of love would eventually fade away and become commonplace affinity in the end. Yet we so often forget that not only can that type of "always" love be attained... we already ARE loved like that! And not by a fallible and mortal hero (no matter how handsome, they all do something stupid or die eventually), but by the infallible, immortal, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent creator, sustainer, and lord of the entire universe. WOW. In fact, despite all of our failings and shortcomings, "[i]n all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:37-39, ESV) 

That sounds like a pretty unstoppable love right there. And to think that it is meant for you and me! "For God so loved the world"... amazing. And just in case you doubt that God ever said that special phrase which I have so doted on in the above geekdom, check out the last words of Jesus' Great Commission...

"And behold, I am with you ALWAYS, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20b, ESV)

All through the night...

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I posted! So sorry, friends! I honestly have no real reason for not posting for the last two months... although, from mid-November to late December, I was going through what one of my professors likes to call a "Dark Night of the Soul". I'm gonna explain what that means in just a minute - it's not pretty, and it's not something I'm proud of, but I hope you find it useful. Also, coming through it (and being such a nerd) led me to realize some pretty cool stuff that I'm gonna share in a later post. :) First though, I'd like to thank those of you who have stuck with me even through my long absence and are continuing to read my nonsense! Hopefully in the next few months I'll be able to post more frequently. As always, to God be the glory for whatever comes out of me that reaches out to any of you.

So, the Dark Night of the Soul (DNotS) is something that many Christians will go through at some point in their lives, possibly even multiple times. It's a place of apathy, despair, anger, or (insert overwhelming negative emotion here) that keeps a person from sensing God's presence, and may even cause them to question or turn from their faith. For me, a combination of stress from school and work, a strained relationship with one of my dearest friends, and an apprehension of the life-sucking doldrums that most people call "winter break" drove me to a place where I was constantly doing instead of being (despite my previous post), constantly exhausted, and constantly trying to rely on my own strength for everything. And the stupid thing is, the more I realized that I couldn't do it myself, the more I pushed God away to try to prove that I could. And thus began my DNotS. I ended up becoming a recluse as finals approached, both because I had so much to finish and because I knew I was way past my emotional limits and would end up spewing my issues onto my friends if I let them near me. Thanks to a few of my very dearest friends and a couple of late-night interventions, I was not allowed to become an absolute hermit. However, I was in a place of spiritual hermitage... and I'm not talking about the Delectable Mountains here (that's a Pilgrim's Progress reference, for those who don't know). It even got to a point in which I wanted to turn to God, but felt too far away to even consider calling out to Him. There was a period when I even questioned why I was a Christian to begin with. Thankfully, the story doesn't end there! God, who is always faithful, brought me out of the DNotS and allowed me to see that He is never far away, that He will always take us back, and that no doubt or repulsion from us can keep Him away when we need Him. It wasn't an easy journey, and although He lifted me up out of the pit of darkness, it wasn't an instant flip back into the light. It has been a long, slow process in which God constantly and quietly reminds me of His presence and His love while I strive to follow Him and remind myself that He is worth following - worth everything, in fact. So if you're in the middle of your own DNotS, press into God, and even though you may not sense Him or hear Him at first, know that He has not forgotten or abandoned you. And He will save you, if you continue to pursue Him through this time.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8, ESV)"

When I was in the midst of my DNotS, it felt like I was all alone. Looking back though, I can see that He was with me through every moment, just waiting for me to turn to Him, softly calling out my name. When I first returned, I was uneasy. My heart wondered (despite everything my mind knows to be true) if His love for me had lessened because I "failed" Him... "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8, ESV)" If He loved us before we chose Him in the first place, why would He love us any less when we come to a place where we have to make a conscious choice to choose Him again? (Note: I'm talking about choosing a godly lifestyle here, not salvation. That I believe only needs to be chosen once.) Plus, think about this - He is omniscient. He already knew what you were going to do before you did it. If He already knew you were going to fail Him, but loved you like crazy in the past, why should that change at all after the actual failing part happens? (Psst... the answer is, it doesn't.) In addition, some wise speaker I once heard (or read) said, to paraphrase, "How can you let down someone you weren't holding up to begin with?" God is completely self-sufficient. His success, happiness, etc. is not dependent on or influenced by our triumphs or shortcomings. Although He hurts for us when we are hurting and desires strongly to draw us back into His arms, our failure is not debilitating or angering to Him.

In conclusion, keep on keeping on. "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. (James 4:8a, ESV)" And if you are in the middle of a DNotS, take heart. This too shall pass. God's love shall not.